Having healthy
boundaries means that an individual has established visibly defined limits to
the types of behavior by others (partners, children, colleagues, friends,
etc.), which he/she considers permissible, and to clearly indicate the kinds of
consequences that will befall the perpetrator, should those boundaries be ignored
or violated.
So what does that
mean?
It means you place a
value on yourself. It means you honor
yourself. It means you hold yourself in such high esteem, that you would “do”
this for yourself.
Having established a
boundary, a consequence merely says, “If you do not respect this boundary that
I have established, then this will happen.” Boundaries need not be harsh or
resemble an ultimatum, but they might have to, depending on the circumstances,
as these examples indicate:
- To a spouse if both work: If you do not do
the marketing, I will not have time to cook dinner and we will have to eat
sandwiches (this should only apply if you like sandwiches and the other
person does not…because consequences are not meant to cause you problems or difficulties, only
the other person…see the next example in this sense as well)
- To an older teenage son or daughter: When
you smoke marijuana in this house, you place us at legal risk and it is a
fire hazard, so if you do it again, you will not be allowed to use the car
for one month, but since I will not be able to drive you around, you will have
to walk or use public transportation. If after that time you use marijuana
again, it may happen we will need to consider whether you may continue to live
in this house .
- To a person you are dating: When you phone
me at the last minute without having previously made plans with me,
expecting me to drop everything in order to see you, it makes me feel as
though I have no importance in your eyes, so if you do it again, I will not
be available to see you.
- From one woman to another: When you dump
me two hours before a dinner date with me in order to go on a date with a
man who has just given you a last-minute call, you make me feel as though
you do not value our friendship, so if you do that again, I will have to
re-think our relationship
- To a chronically late employee: When you
arrive late, you make the entire production line lose time, so if you continue
to do it, I will begin to dock your pay by half hour increments. If it is
then repeated, you will lose your job.
- To a partner who lies: When you lie to me,
I feel as though you place no importance on my feelings, so if you do that
again, I will want a trial separation from you.
- To an emotionally abusive partner: When
you do such-and-such, it is very hurtful to me, so if you behave like that
again, I will have to remove myself from this relationship
Don’t forget the basic
tenet of establishing boundaries: if consequences are not set up, then there is
no boundary. However, you might want to explain
your feelings to the other person first, as in these examples, in order that he/she
understands what the specific behavior does to you, your family, your health,
your safety, your business, etc.
Setting boundaries is
one of the first steps to psychological health because by doing this, you are
clearly telling yourself that you are loved (by yourself), that you are worth
it, and that you will not allow others to do unto you, as you would (hopefully)
not do unto them.
***************
Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.
Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)
Note: My other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed. I generally post in each of these two blogs once a week.
My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram
Also visit my Spanish & German blogs by clicking on the language links above in the MENU.
Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)

Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich
Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... AHORA en todo el mundo en Amazon (versión bolsillo y Kindle)
My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram
Also visit my Spanish & German blogs by clicking on the language links above in the MENU.
No comments:
Post a Comment