Are You Addicted to Feeling Good Through Others?

Isn't it wonderful when people make you feel good? When they do lovely things for you and show you how much they care for you? And isn't it true that your life is so much better when people treat you like that?

But what occurs when that doesn't happen? Imagine a relationship ends and you no longer get that kind of treatment. Isn't it probable that you will find yourself going through heavy withdrawal symptoms? Even when you don't miss the person with whom you no longer have the relationship? In other words, you miss the good feeling, but may not miss the person very much.

In such a case, you might be addicted to the good feeling you get thanks to others, and therefore need to supply that good feeling for yourself again by finding another person who gives it to you. At this point you might be asking yourself what I'm going on about ... isn't it true that we all search for the good feeling from our partners or from other people in our lives?

Truth be told, no. Not all of us. If we've learned to supply the good feeling for ourselves, then we can potentially have relationships with others (not only partners, but also friends, or family members), where we simply don't need them to supply it for us. In other words, the relationship does not depend on us being provided with this good feeling by the other. On the one hand it does not depend on that because we supply it for ourselves, and on the other hand, because we are not, therefore, addicted to receiving it from others.

This is fundamentally crucial for an aware, conscious, and healthy relationship of any kind. I've written a great deal about this, specifically in my book The Tao of Spiritual Partnership as well as in Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin, and in my blogs and monthly newsletter (subscribe here - no cost - English, Spanish, German). I encourage you to look at the subject more closely if you believe that you are addicted to feeling good through others. It was Jung who wrote: every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism", and in the case I've described here, being addicted to feeling good thanks to others who supply that feeling for you, will also have negative repercussions in your life.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)

Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 

DEINE SEELE UND DU

  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhältlich als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhältlich sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... próximamente en Amazon en versión bolsillo y E-Libro para Kindle

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en español por todo el mundo próximamente en Amazon.

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram 

How Are You Seen Through Another's Eyes?

We often fall in love with a projection, which simply means that we aren't properly aware of who the other person really is ... and what we love is not necessarily who they really are. But we don't know this and we are in love and our partner most likely is doing exactly the same thing. You can see how this might create a problem.

In one scenario you are aware that you are not the ski slope lover your new partner thinks you are, but you really want him/her to love you back, so you try to mold myself into that, and you do frequent ski trips together. Thing is, you ski relatively well, but perhaps you hate the cold. Or perhaps you enjoy the après-ski a lot more than the actual skiing, but by the time après-ski comes around, your partner is quite tired and wants to go to bed. Or - substitute football, opera, gardening, discussing politics until the wee hours of the morning, or any other activity you care to mention for skiing, and since again, you really would like your new partner to admire you, approve of you, like and love you, you allow yourself to get settled into that particular strait jacket. In time you will find this too constricting and will rebel against the strait jacket and then important and potentially difficult issues will arise when your partner begins to see the greater reality of who you really are.

In another scenario perhaps your partner views you as funny, the center of any party, or perhaps he/she sees you as a veritable Doric column of justice and rectitude or a pillar of strength. We don't know why he/she sees you that way, as said, it's often a projection, but since you are being seen that way, and you may not even be aware of it, important and difficult issues will arise when my partner's rosy-colored glasses fall and he/she sees you for who you truly are.

Other difficult things that can happen - should you have decided to 'shoulder' whatever descriptive your partner labeled you with, are that you may feel that you're living in a strait jacket as long as you feel you have to conform to that particular behavior, or you may feel resentful that you are believed to be a way you are not. It weighs heavy on you.

The point of this preamble is to encourage you to see that much as we want others to like or love us, there is great danger in not being true to ourselves in the way we present ourselves. And of course this means that in the first scenario you be as open as possible about your lack of fire for skiing or football or opera, and that in the second scenario - recognizing at least on the basis of this brief post, that it is vital to be as aware as possible at all times in your relationships - you now go about them in a much more conscious way than before in order to prevent - as much as possible - blind actions and reactions such as those described from happening, or at least, catching them as soon as possible, and then nipping them in the bud by discussing what is going on with this potentially new partner in your life. Isn't it better that he/she gets to know the real you - and perhaps even rejects that real you - than that he/she erroneously believes that you are like this or like that, when, in fact, you are not?

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)

Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 

DEINE SEELE UND DU

  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhältlich als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhältlich sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... próximamente en Amazon en versión bolsillo y E-Libro para Kindle

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en español por todo el mundo próximamente en Amazon.

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram 

Be Careful Who Wanders Into Your Mind

You had a really great idea. You told someone about it. They found a really good reason why it would never work. You killed your idea.

But a short while later someone else made your idea work.

You tell a friend about how much you are looking forward to your vacation. He smiles and tells you that you will need to be careful because when he went to the place you are going to, he got mugged, and the hotel overcharged him. Also the mosquitoes ravaged him. Your pleasure has been smudged. You worriedly wonder if you made a bad choice. You are no longer looking forward to your vacation without thinking negative thoughts.

You tell someone whom you consider a mentor that you are thinking of applying for a position with much more responsibility. He/she looks at you and says reflectively "Perhaps it's still a bit too early? I know that you are very capable, but maybe you're reaching too far too soon?" They mean well, but they have just undermined your elf-confidence.

The naysayers, the negative thinkers, who often call themselves realists, nevertheless tend to emanate a negative energy over whatever it is that you are planning, if you listen to them. Understand that your own energy and emotions are affected by the people you associate with, and unless you are very strong within yourself, their negative effect on you may cause you to back out of something you had been very positive about, and that may very well have come to a good conclusion.

Naysayers tend to get their strength by deflating or taking away the strength of others. Not because they are terrible people, but because their modus vivendi feeds on looking at the glass as being half full. It's their habit, their ingrained way of thinking. They could change it if they became aware of what causes it and made the conscious choice to change. Don't let them push you into becoming one of them.

And don't let them cause you to abandon your dream.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)

Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 

DEINE SEELE UND DU

  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhältlich als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhältlich sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... próximamente en Amazon en versión bolsillo y E-Libro para Kindle

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en español por todo el mundo próximamente en Amazon.

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram 

Soothing Yourself

You've seen small children holding their blanket, or a favorite teddy bear, or perhaps even sucking on a thumb. We all understand what it means - the language is universal, the child is soothing itself after an event that has upset it in some fashion. As the child grows older, it learns other ways of soothing itself - or not. Much of this depends on the example it sees from its parents and other adults or older children in its surroundings. If those other adults have not learned healthy self-soothing or self-regulating mechanisms, and if their emotional intelligence is not very good, then of course it will be difficult for the small child to emulate them in constructive way.

Fast forward: the child is now an adult. When he/she gets upset, he goes to the refrigerator for a snack. Or grabs a beer, or glass of wine, or a whiskey. Or perhaps he/she goes out to find some excitement: some adrenaline-raising activity that will keep his mind off whatever it was that upset him. Or perhaps he/she will resort to more addictive substances. Or to anger, or depression, or moodiness, or sadness. When self-soothing takes a wrong turn, it can go down many different roads, none of which are helpful, and most of which simply - in the long run - make matters worse.

So what can you do if you find that you fit into one or more of the above descriptions?

You start by becoming aware of your inner state at all times. Then you proceed to monitor your thoughts, because the stories you tell yourself about whatever it is that is upsetting you determine to a large degree how you feel about it (yes - you can choose how you feel), and you begin to tell yourself different stories. In other words you change your self-dialogue and part of that change is to tell yourself that you have a choice about how you feel about the event, and furthermore, that you have a choice about how you react.

Self-soothing - in its most primordial state - is all about self-love. However much you love yourself, is how well you will take care of yourself when you are going through a difficult situation. Click on any of the labels below this post in order to find further information about these topics, or see my books.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)

Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 

DEINE SEELE UND DU

  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhältlich als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhältlich sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... próximamente en Amazon en versión bolsillo y E-Libro para Kindle

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en español por todo el mundo próximamente en Amazon.

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram 

Could You Just Act Instead of React?

Do your buttons get pushed sometimes? If you're like most of us, it happens. But what you do then is much more important than the fact that (as you might be thinking) you are still at a place in your life where your buttons get pushed.

One possibility is that you react blindly. Your buttons got pushed and whoosh! You pounce. Not so good. Another possibility is that you have learned to count to 10 to keep your anger or other strong emotions at bay and only then react, probably in a much less explosive fashion. Much better. Finally, a third possibility is that you have become aware of yourself. Therefore when your buttons get pushed (assuming they still do), you are aware of the fact that they just got pushed, and your first inclination to pounce is immediately moderated by self-dialogue that reminds you that you actually wish to be the one who decides what emotions you will feel, and how you then react. So you first look for a place of inner calm. A mindfulness practice can bring you a long way towards this goal. Once you're in that inner place of equilibrium, balance, calm, harmony, and only then, do you decide what you will do. George Bernard Shaw once wrote: the possibilities are numerous once we decide to act and not react.

So now you may decide that a question of unhealthy boundaries has been raised by what just occurred between you and the other person, and so you choose to say something about that - in a way that for you will be a healthy and self-loving form of expression - in your quest to establish healthier boundaries in your life.

Or perhaps the buttons that were pushed - assuming you are going down the 'aware' route, have caused you to come to the realization (in that moment of self-reflection where you dialogue with yourself, indicating that you want to be, as said, the one who decides what you feel and how you react), that perhaps you need to look at yourself with regards to how quickly you become jealous, or suspicious, or possessive, etc. Therefore, what you now do will be focused on a healthy and self-loving manner of growth for yourself, in not only how you now speak with the other person, but also in what you do from now on, in order to grow forward from that point at which you have discovered your life to be at with regards to jealousy, etc.

So you can see, by these simple examples, how acting, and not reacting, does in fact, bring you along a much greater path of pregression in your life. It requires awareness - as does so much else - and it requires that you choose to do this.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)

Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 

DEINE SEELE UND DU

  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhältlich als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhältlich sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... próximamente en Amazon en versión bolsillo y E-Libro para Kindle

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en español por todo el mundo próximamente en Amazon.

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram