Look Inside First

Finding reasons out there for the multitude of things that go wrong in your life; judging or criticizing others for things you allow in yourself; blaming others (or circumstances) for things you justify in yourself, are all what many of us (myself included) do so very often in the course of our daily lives. Because it's always so much easier to see it out there.

Looking inside first is hard. But it can become a habit. And the more you do it, the more you realize the enormous degree of freedom it gives you because it signifies that you begin to choose how to react, as opposed to needing to find fault with or judge, or criticize, or look for reasons out there to justify whatever it is that is going on.

Think of it this way: when you do all those other things that allow you to avoid looking inside - how do you feel? Is it not true that while you may feel you now have a justification for whatever it is that is going on, you also don't really feel great? You may feel slightly superior, which may give you an edge, but it's not actually something that makes you feel good, is it?

Let's say you see a homeless person on the street. Let's say you give that person some coins. And let's say you feel sorry for him/her. But let's also say that all the while there is a little voice in you saying why can't he get a job? So here's the thing: perhaps he could get that job, or perhaps not. But it's not up to you to make that judgement call. That is his responsibility. Or his choice. But it is your choice to look inside yourself to determine why you need to judge. And it is also your job to be conscious enough about this in order to stop the judging and simply let be. It is your job to grow your inner self to the point where you no longer judge (or criticize or justify, etc.), because it is your growth you are interested in, isn't it? Or do you concern yourself about the growth of others while keeping yourself on a shelf of superiority that allows you to avoid looking at yourself?

I know, this is not necessarily fun stuff. But it's the stuff our potential growth is made of. Let's look at another example. Let's say you make a point of eating healthy food. Nothing processed. Mainly organic. No sugar. So now you are at the grocery store waiting in line behind a rather stout couple with a shopping cart full of ... you know ... all that stuff you wouldn't touch with a 10-foot pole. And what thoughts course through your mind? (Mine too ... as I often say, the things I write about are not because I've surpassed all this mundane stuff and find myself floating on some spiritual cloud, but precisely because I also have work to do). So the same applies as in the example of the homeless person. It's not up to you to make that judgement call. That is their responsibility. Or their choice. But it is your choice to look inside yourself to determine why you need to judge. And it is also your job to be conscious enough about this in order to stop the judging and simply let be. It is your job to grow your inner self to the point where you no longer judge (or criticize or justify, etc.), because it is your growth you are interested in, isn't it? Or do you concern yourself about the growth of others while keeping yourself on a shelf of superiority that allows you to avoid looking at yourself?

So the choice to look inside first is a very important one. Don't let yourself bypass it and take the easy road. At least not if you want to grow.

Image: Tree sculpture by Keith Jennings: Tree Spirit

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)

Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhaltbar 

DEINE SEELE UND DU

  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhaltbar als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhaltbar sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... próximamente en Amazon en versión bolsillo y E-Libro para Kindle

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en español por todo el mundo próximamente en Amazon.

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram 

Giving Freedom

How much freedom are you comfortable with? I'm referring to the freedom you 'give' to your partner. Is your trust boundless? Do you need to spend every waking moment with your partner (excluding work time) to feel good, or are you cool with spending time apart dedicated to activities each of you enjoy -perhaps even with other people? Do you feel anxious if your partner has contact (email, telephone, in person) with an ex-partner, or do you consider it a good sign that your partner maintains such a relationship with someone who was once important in his/her life? Do you want to participate in all activities your partner likes, even if some of them bore you? Do you eventually cause your partner to abandon those activities? Do you abandon some friends and activities once you have a new partner? Do you feel that peace is missing somewhere inside of you unless you are with your partner or know where your partner is at all times?

These are important questions to consider, not only about yourself, but also about your partner. It may be that you are comfortable in giving freedom, but your partner is not, and therefore it's not enough to look at yourself and determine whether you are able to give freedom, but also to look at yourself and determine why you are with someone who does not give it back.

Fresh air - or freedom - in relationships is paramount. It's healthy to have some friends, hobbies, and interests that are not mutual. It's healthy because these outside interests can fuel momentum, interest, passion, and above all, real connection in the relationship. As Tagore wrote: love does not claim possession, but gives freedom.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)

Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhaltbar 

DEINE SEELE UND DU

  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhaltbar als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhaltbar sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... próximamente en Amazon en versión bolsillo y E-Libro para Kindle

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en español por todo el mundo próximamente en Amazon.

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram 

Is Moodiness Your 'Default' Mode?

Waking up in a bad mood, or devolving into one during the course of the day, is almost always a sign of not really being aware of yourself. Moods are different from negative emotions (although both are difficult and can be dealt with if you so choose because it is a choice) in that moods are so much more all-pervasive, all-encompassing, and in some fashion appear to envelop the person affected by them in a dense fog of ... well ... moodiness. Almost as though you get lost in them, as you might get lost in the fog. Sometimes - possibly very often - you're not even quite sure exactly why you're in such-and-such a mood. Emotions, on the other hand, are more defined, crisp, and potentially closer to your awareness.

I've written a great deal (in these articles and in this blog and in this other blog) about emotions and how to deal with them. Today I want to address mood and moodiness.

You've probably been in this situation: you come home and find your partner wearing a dour expression. Or a sour one. Or perhaps the curves of his/her mouth are simply etching a moue. So you ask: What's wrong, dear? And you are told: Nothing. Of course you know something is wrong, but even if you probe a bit further - at this particular point, you most certainly don't appear to be getting a reply. And perhaps the most difficult part about trying to understand  it tends to be the fact that you could get this same answer whether or not you have done anything to cause the mood, according to your partner.

Another situation related to mood can be observed when someone asks you how you are, and you realize that you are not only not 'good', but that you've been in a foul mood since Monday. And you hadn't really stopped to think about it ... you just were living inside that foul mood.

What's not right with this scenario? If you are in a mood of some kind you may know that you are annoyed about something, or upset in some way, or just plain down or miserable, but the lack of a clear answer, realization, or understanding about exactly what is going on, tells you that some, if not a lot, of awareness around this mood is missing. With missing awareness comes missing self-responsibility for the mood (remember that 'you are always responsible for your happiness'), as well as a missing self-responsibility for being not only more forth-coming with your partner, but also for being kinder, more considerate, and simply - less moody - with your partner in the face of a question (such as in the first example). Also, with missing awareness, comes a further missing decision to make better choices, and finally - and most importantly, comes a lack of self-caring and self-love. If you care for yourself, and if you love yourself in healthy ways, you will 'catch' those moods when they threaten to overtake you, and you will very proactively do something about them, not because you're going to pretend that this or that isn't wrong in your life, but because you don't want to be caught in a sticky spiderweb of your own blind reactions to life. Taking care of this is a huge part of what it means to love yourself. If you are not yet taking care of it on a regular basis; i.e., catching it as it happens, and then choosing to change it, you will have to trust me that you have not yet really begun to love yourself.

Doing something about the moods has to do with your self-dialogue. What do you tell yourself when a bad mood overtakes you like a thundercloud overtakes a sunny afternoon? There can be countless variations, but you probably are familiar with your own. So therefore it has to do with you then choosing to change that narrative. Perhaps a part of the new one is: I don't really want to be here - in this moody state - so I'm going to do something about it. Perhaps that 'something' is deliberately focusing on beauty and gratitude in order to make a mindful energetic shift. It won't be huge, but it will take you in the right direction. And if you then continue on that particular road, and if you have time, you might choose (because you care for yourself and your inner well-being) to take a mindfulness walk (which will help you also change the state of your thoughts if you practice it on a daily basis) and/or to vamp up that good energy that is beginning to build up by further listening to, viewing, or reading some inspirational and motivational material (so much is freely available on the web). You want to bring yourself to a point where this higher inner energetic frequency is part of who you are; is part of your 'default' mode. These are choices you can make on a daily basis and they will have an enormous impact - if you continue doing them - on the quality of your life.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)

Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhaltbar 

DEINE SEELE UND DU

  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhaltbar als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhaltbar sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... próximamente en Amazon en versión bolsillo y E-Libro para Kindle

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en español por todo el mundo próximamente en Amazon.

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram 

Getting That Lost Motivation Back

You've been working on a project or goal. You've done all kinds of things to get to that final point, but it just never quite works, so now you've lost your motivation and you're on the verge of giving up.

Losing motivation can be numbing, because it's as though you've lost your way and you no longer know what your next step is. Not knowing what your next step is, stops you in your tracks and it seems you can no longer see the forest for the trees.

So you have several choices:

• You can either stay in the place your lack of motivation has brought you to


• or you can figure out how to get your motivation back

If you decide to take that latter alternative, you might first take a look at some notable failures in history, who nevertheless kept going on and on:

• Thomas Edison who discovered 1000 ways not to make a light bulb until he finally succeeded


• Abraham Lincoln, President of the USA, failed over and over and over again to achieve his goals, consistently picked himself up and continued going, believing in himself, his goals, and the reasons why they were important. He said: I never had a policy, I just tried to do my best every day.
• Gary Cooper, the actor whose career culminated in the classic High Noon, but before he made it big, he was fired and rehired by the studios seven times.
• Neil Diamond, the singer (Sweet Caroline), dropped out in his senior year to take a songwriting job with a music-publishing company. "It was a chance to step into my career," he explains. The job lasted only four months. Eventually, he was fired by five other music publishers. After eight years of knocking around and bringing songs to publishers and still being basically nowhere, he met two very successful producers and writers who liked the way he sang. And only then did he begin his real climb to fame and success.
• Dune by Frank Herbert: this epic science-fiction tale was rejected by 13 publishers with comments like "too slow," "confusing and irritating," "too long," and "issues too clear-cut and old fashioned." But the persistence of Herbert and his agent, Lurton Blassingame, finally paid off. Dune won the two highest awards in the science-fiction writing and has sold millions of copies, and the movie rights to the novel.
• Henry Ford failed and went broke five times before he finally succeeded.

So ask yourself: even though I have lost my motivation, is it possible for me - just for today - to do my very best?

Here is a wonderful analogy I read pertaining to flying. Imagine a plane taking off from London. Its destination is New York, and along the way it veers slightly off course, or from its pre-determined flight path on automatic pilot, and it does this over and over and over again. Clearly the instruments constantly make minor adjustments and re-adjustments during the flight in order to actually be able to reach New York.

This is such a pertinent analogy for us, as we move along the path towards our goals. We have to realize that when we lose our motivation, it is partially because we have not yet seen our dreams realized. Therefore, and in order to become re-motivated, we need to do the same as the plane - we need to re-adjust (as did Edison each time he invented another of the 1000 light bulbs that did not work, as did Lincoln each time he was not successful in standing for public office).

And then, we need to keep on re-adjusting as often as necessary.

• this technique didn't work? Try a different one.


• that advertising program didn't work? Try a different one.

In order to do this, you may need to re-visit your original goals:

• what did you write down when you first conceptualized them?


• maybe you didn't write them down ... do so now!


• maybe you weren't specific enough ... so do it now!


• write down your main goals as specifically as possible. Let's say you have a 5-year goal.


• so now sub-divide it or chunk it down into yearly goals, i.e., where you should be at the 4-year mark, the 3 year, the 2 year, and the 1 year mark


• from the one year mark, chunk it down, by going back by month


• the 12-month mark


• the 11-month mark, etc.


• and when you get to the 1-month mark, chunk it down by going back by weeks


• the 4-week mark


• the 3-week mark


• and when you are at the 1-week mark, write specifically what you can be doing each and every day this week.


• think of it a bit like the 12 steps in AA - while you are working on getting your motivation back, take it one day at a time, and do what you've written as your tasks and goals for this day. 


• help yourself get back on track by continually reading books or listening to CD's by authors who motivate you, such as Brian Tracy, Wayne Dyer, Jack Canfield, Denis Waitley, Zig Ziglar, Vic Conant, Stephen Covey, Tony Robbins, John deMartini, Napoleon Hill, and many, many more.

PLAN A RECESS

When you were in grade school, and you attended a class of spelling and another one of math, what happens?

• you're tired


• your fingers are stiff from holding the pencil


• you're looking longingly out the window at the sky - the blue, blue sky - because you want to be out there playing, rather than working

When you're not motivated, you may need a break. Perhaps a walk, or a visit to the gym, maybe a catnap, o a cup of tea, but more importantly than that, you may need to take stock of your emotions.

You've lost your motivation in the past because what you've been doing - trying to reach your goal - has not yet given you the results you sought.

But the other part of your loss of motivation has to do with the thoughts and feelings you've been having about the subject. They have probably been negative, contrary, with a concentration on failure as their mainstay. Here is where you need to swivel, or pivot, as Abraham calls it.

As a child you may have stood on the heel of one foot and swiveled or pivoted in such a way that you were looking in a totally new direction, you had turned 180 degrees by the act of pivoting. You can do this in your mind when your motivation has gone down the tube. Pivot to something - in your thoughts - that makes you feel good ... whatever that may be. Imagine something that gives you a sense of joy, pleasure, etc., you will notice the tingling inside of you, and use that good feeling to get back on track. In other words, if you first make yourself feel good, you will find it much easier to get back on track and motivate yourself, than if you try doing this from a low place. More about this in future posts.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)

Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhaltbar 

DEINE SEELE UND DU

  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhaltbar als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhaltbar sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... próximamente en Amazon en versión bolsillo y E-Libro para Kindle

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en español por todo el mundo próximamente en Amazon.

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram 

Creating a Practice

This is not a post about me encouraging you to start meditating or doing yoga, or attending meetings of some spiritual nature, or anything along those lines. This is a post to encourage you to start a practice of eradicating from your life that which no longer serves you; that which is holding you down; holding you back; and that which keeps you from being all you could be. As William James put it: begin to be now what you will be hereafter.

How do you eradicate? You create a practice of being aware of that one thing you are working on. Assuming you wish to be less judgmental, you will need to invoke awareness as often as you can when you drift into the judgmental mindset. You'll have to set up the intention inside of you to be aware at those times, in order to stop yourself in mid-game. The more often you stop yourself, the more quickly this practice that you have created will stop the habit you wish to eradicate from having strength in your life.

And habits to eradicate could be any of the following:

• criticizing others
• judging others
• not being kind as often as you could be
• being less impatient
• being less quick to anger
• spending less time in the past, dwelling on past pain
• being quick to jump to conclusions
• being unwilling to forgive
• being unwilling to think better thoughts of someone who has harmed you (remember, as long as you continue to think thoughts of anger, pain, desire for revenge, etc., whatever it was that happened will continue to fester and will continue to erode the relationship you have with that person - or the way you feel inside of yourself, even if you no longer have any contact with that person)

Now let's extrapolate and apply just one of these specifically to your relationship with your partner:

• instead of continually looking for all his/her faults, and then criticizing them (assuming you are no longer at the honeymoon stage of the relationship), look instead for all those wonderful things, that are still generally there, but that you just don't see, because you are so focused on the negative

Can you see how such a practice could radically change the tenor of your relationship? Are you willing to try? It's a choice, and it's solely up to you.

***************

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)

Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhaltbar 

DEINE SEELE UND DU

  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhaltbar als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhaltbar sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... próximamente en Amazon en versión bolsillo y E-Libro para Kindle

RECONECTAR CON EL ALMA

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en español por todo el mundo próximamente en Amazon.

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram 

What Do You Attend To: What Shapes Your Mind?

Make a quick overview - in your head - of what you have spent time doing over the past few days. Let's eliminate the obvious: work, sleep, bathroom time. That leaves your commute to work, mealtime, taking care of 'stuff' time, and relaxation and downtime. The last three items might encapsulate dozens of activities.

So let's look at your commute. What do you 'attend to' while you are driving, assuming you are alone in the car? Radio? Telephone conversations? Ruminating thoughts? Audio books? Podcasts or other talks you've downloaded in some fashion so that you are able to listen to something that stimulates and interests you during your drive?

During your 'taking care of stuff' time, you might be attending to errands, many of which require your complete attention, but others don't. Taking care of financial matters would require attention, but what about the time you spend at the gym, or jogging? What do you 'attend to' while you are doing that? 

And what about your downtime or the hours during which you relax - what do you attend to then? here's the thing: whatever you spend a lot of time paying attention to, is what will shape your mind. So as you go back to your overview of the past few days, ask yourself if what you have selected to pay attention to; to notice, is actually what you want to be playing a large role in shaping your mind. And this includes, of course, not only what you read or listen to or watch on TV, it also includes the conversations you have and the things you think about, as well as what you physically observe, as you look out at your world.

It was William James who said, My experience is what I agree to attend to, and only those things which I notice shaped my mind. 

Be aware of your past choices, and consciously decide to choose well or better for your future.

***************

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)

Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhaltbar 

DEINE SEELE UND DU

  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhaltbar als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhaltbar sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... próximamente en Amazon en versión bolsillo y E-Libro para Kindle

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en español por todo el mundo próximamente en Amazon.

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram