Clients have
often tell me that they fear being by themselves; that they fear their own
company; that they will do anything to avoid an evening on their own. Others
tell me that while they may not fear being alone, they find it a most boring
proposition, and can’t quite imagine how to fill the time, other than with TV
or a book. Still others refer to being uncomfortable in their own company, and
hence, avoid it
All three
alternatives lead us to the same conclusion: if this is how you feel about
being alone with yourself, somehow you are not connected to yourself – and -
more importantly, you have no real relationship with yourself, and therefore,
probably don’t know – and worse – don’t love yourself.
The article
discusses how to recognize this is happening and how to begin to change it in
order to increase inner well-being, peace, freedom and joy.
Why is this
important?
Imagine
marrying someone whom you fear being alone with, someone whom you avoid
spending an evening with on your own. Imagine marrying someone you find so
boring, that you would not want to spend time alone with them. Or imagine
marrying someone in whose company you
feel uncomfortable, and therefore, you avoid this person.
Sounds like a
bad joke, doesn’t it? You’d run ten miles before marrying such a person. You’d
do anything not to have to spend time
with such a person. Nevertheless, that’s the situation we have with ourselves
when we don’t recognize the value and importance of establishing a relationship
with ourselves that makes us enjoy our
own company, find ourselves interesting companions about whom we can always
learn something new, and who can always lead us to deeper and deeper levels of
understanding, and who is fun and exciting to be with … on our own.
Really? Is
such a relationship with the self really possible? It basically comes down to
what Jung termed the conjunctio, in
other words the meeting of two separate parts of the self (generally
unconscious) in the process of becoming a whole, or of uniting, and in so
doing, of transforming.
But that
actually sounds like a lot of psycho-babble. Who can contemplate overcoming
what sounds like such a difficult hurdle? Anyway, who has the time and money to
go into therapy in order to learn about all these things, and explore the deep
dark past of one’s childhood? In actual fact, it is not so hard, and it
certainly doesn’t depend on whether
or not you go into therapy. It has a lot to do with becoming conscious and
aware of the self, with a desire for knowledge of the self, and with the
acceptance of responsibility for the self. So basically it has a lot to do with
how interested you are in yourself.
Jung, who
brought us the idea of the integral, or holistic human being, said that
becoming what we can truly be, growing into that which is inherently in us when
we are born, is what the process of individuation is all about.
Maslow, who
brought us the hierarchy of needs
said that in order to self-actualize, we need to become everything that we are
capable of becoming.
Joseph
Campbell said we should follow our bliss.
All of these
concepts refer in some way to self-knowledge, but also to meaning. One can only be bored in one’s own company, if there is no
meaning in the life; if the individual has not yet bothered to think about what
meaning he or she could give to his or her life. The scope of this article does
not allow me to delve more deeply into the significance you give your life, but
I do encourage you to explore it in order to begin to understand how to find
the meaning in your own life.
Fear of
Being Alone with the Self
If you fear
being alone with yourself, perhaps you feel there is so much in you that you
hate, or despise, or judge, or criticize; that it is simply a very dangerous
proposition to spend time there, together with yourself. In other words, it is
scary to be with someone towards whom you have these very negative feelings. So
doesn’t it make sense to get to know this person that you are inside and out, and to clean out, if necessary, all
those parts that are reprehensible, or, even better, to come to realize that
there are actually no really truly reprehensible parts, and that you are, in
fact, a rather enjoyable person to be with? But this is only possible if you
take the journey inside in order to begin to get to know yourself, more
importantly, in order to begin to love
yourself.
Many of the
difficult feelings you may have about yourself can be addressed by using your “energy
barometer”. Shifting your energetic vibration, in other words, consciously, and in full awareness, making
yourself feel better by continually gauging where you are on that inner
level, will automatically take you to other, higher levels where your thoughts
and feelings about yourself will change.
On those other, higher levels, it is so much harder for negative or low energy
thoughts to find a breeding ground. When you are feeling good, how often do you
dwell on downward-spiraling thoughts? When you are feeling good, you don’t want
to cry. So shifting your energetic vibration to a higher level is something I
encourage you to start practicing every
single day, each and every time you recognize that you are spiraling downward.
Being
Uncomfortable with the Self
If you are
uncomfortable with yourself, it may have much to do with the fact that you have
simply not much knowledge of yourself, and so feeling uncomfortable is similar
to how you feel with a comparative stranger, about whom you know little, and
who therefore does not create the sensation of ease and comfort a good friend
does. Doesn’t it make sense to try to become
your own best friend? Again, in so doing, you will begin to not only
appreciate yourself, but also like and love yourself; even admire yourself.
Imagine spending all your time with a friend about whom you feel this way - and
this friend is you!
Tending
the Inner Garden
I wrote
earlier that this process need not be difficult, tedious, and certainly does
not require the services of a therapist. It does, however, entail something
akin to gardening. When you plant a seed in the garden of your house, or in a
pot on your terrace, you know very well, that in order for it to grow into a
strong oak tree, an elegant palm that sways in the wind, a rose, a geranium,
sweet-smelling rosemary, or a flowering perfumed hibiscus, it first needs soil
(preferably rich), water, sunlight, care, and constancy. The inner garden is no different.
Enriching
the Soil
Possibly the
soil in which you are beginning your process of growth is not particularly
fertile at this time. You know that out there, in the external world, you can
create a compost heap in order to enrich the soil you use for your plants. In
the internal world you can begin to feed your soil (your mind, heart, and
soul), with reading, listening and viewing material that will convert into
great compost, rather than trashing your garden with leftover junk food and
plastic waste (which on the inner level might be likened to the mass media
shows and books or magazines that many people like to read and view as a steady
diet, and which has no hope of ever converting into rich soil).
Tend your garden well and
watch the lush process of your own inner growth that will begin to take place. Only you can
do this for yourself, and only you can make the decision to
begin it now.
***************
Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My new book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is now out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.
Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch
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