What Do You Think Others Think of You?

Sometimes people come to see me and tell me very sad stories of strife in their family. And the blame for the strife often is rooted in what one person thinks the others think of him or her. This is a delicate situation for several reasons:

• The one who thinks others think certain negative things about him/her and is letting this upset him, is generally a person who has not yet become aware of him or herself because if they were, they would understand and go about this process very differently, in a much healthier way, implying they had already learned to be aware of the self, love and take very good care of the self, and take on full responsibility for the self. Therefore, to begin with, something like 'so-and-so thinks such-and-such about me', would - if it happened at all - simply pass by like a cloud that you observe in the sky. 
• So - back to the person who thinks this: it may be a projection of a part of themselves, what Jung would have called the shadow. Perhaps there is an element of a part of themselves they do not yet see (i.e., it's the shadow and hence they are blind to it), in this thing they say that others are thinking about them.
• Or it may also be based on an inner fear of actually being whatever it is that this person thinks others are thinking about him/her, due to low self-esteem, self-confidence, self-love, self-approbation, etc.
• Due to all of the above, and especially if you are in a close relationship with such a person, it becomes very, very difficult to bring up any of these points, because they tend to create an immediate defensive - and even offensive - response, as opposed to shedding light on the issue for the person.

So what can be done? If you love or care for this person, you might gently begin to teach them about self-love, and how self-love impinges positively on all those parts of this person that would cause him/her to be so affected by what they think others think of him/her; i.e., self-confidence, self-esteem, self-worth. self-respect, self-acceptance, self-approval, etc. (My book The Power of Your Heart: Loving the Self is precisely about this subject).

I'd also try to help this person understand that their thoughts - that are causing them such inner turmoil - are something that they could learn to be in charge of, as opposed to being driven hither and thither by said thoughts, creating an endless array of negative feelings, which in turn lead to a vicious circle of more negative thoughts and more negative feelings. That would imply learning how to become fully aware and mindful, and to accept self-responsibility, not only for all his/her thoughts, but also for all their feelings, words, acts, and all their reactions in the face of any kind of circumstance. (My book Rewiring the Soul is precisely about this subject).

Finally, some other things you can do for this person are to show them kindness, compassion, understanding, and love. Oh. And if it is you that they think is thinking these things about him/her, you can also forgive. Doing this begins to show them what is possible.

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Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch

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