Recognizing the Manipulative Vampire Bits of YOURSELF

Most of the articles I've written about boundaries here on this blog, on my other one, as well as my website, deal with them from the point of view of the person whose boundaries are not healthy, and are in some fashion being trespassed.

Today I'd like to offer some words for those people who perhaps have not yet recognized themselves as trespassers of others' boundaries. Have a look at the following and see if any of it sounds familiar:

• My friend (or family member) is so unkind (or uncaring, or cold) because although he/she knows I am going through a very difficult situation, I just don't get any support when I call to talk about it. (Have you perhaps been calling every day in order to recount the day's drama? Or have you been relying on this person to help you get out of a low mood? Have you given any thought to the fact that you are draining them? It's one thing for your friend to offer support, and quite another thing to become your priest/counselor/mother/father all wrapped up into one).
• My friend is being hostile to me just because I forgot we were going to lunch and phoned in the last minute to say I couldn't get there. (Have you perhaps done this quite a few times already? Have you literally demonstrated to your friend how little you seem to respect the friendship by this kind of behavior? Have you considered that your friend needs to look after his/her own well-being by letting you know you are out of line? And have you considered that by believing he/she is being hostile by calling you on your behavior has much more to say about you than your friend?).
• I have difficulty with (directions, computers, reading sheet music, hammering nails into the wall ... you name it ... we all have difficulty with something), but my friend is downright cruel. I asked him/her for help with __________ and got a total refusal to help me. Can you believe how unkind he/she is? (Have you considered that your friend has shown you how to do whatever it is you have problems with many times? have you considered that perhaps it became your own responsibility to look after your 'learning' of this activity, or of figuring out some way of helping yourself to do it, despite your difficulty, and that it certainly is no longer your friend's responsibility to do so?).
• I thought my friend was generous and kind and now look at him/her: all I asked was for a very small favor, and I was told no. (Have you considered that perhaps you have taken and taken from this friend and now he/she has had it and no longer wants to give?).
• I've done so much for my friend and now he/she scarcely returns my calls and doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with me. (Have you considered that while it may be true that perhaps you helped them get settled when they moved to your city, or you were kind to them when they were in bed with the flu that time in 1990, or you asked them to join an exclusive club you were already a member of, it is also true that what you expected in return for these kindnesses was so great - as in eternal gratitude, or continual availability, or being included in all your friend's activities, that you have made him/her feel smothered and strangled and therefore they had to get a healthy distance from you).

While my no means conclusive, some of these questions may cause you to look at yourself in new ways. That is good. Or perhaps they have angered you. That is also good because - as Jung stated nearly a century ago - strong affect (emotion) is always a red flag about something that requires looking at with a clear and objective eye, free of all blindness with regards to your own behavior.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch

Rewiring the Soul

Click here to download the first chapter.

To see the Table of Contents click here

Reviews From the Back Cover:

"The masterwork of a profoundly gifted healer of the soul. Dazzling, challenging, wondrously useful." Peggy Rubin, Director, Center for Sacred Theatre, Ashland, Oregon; author: To Be and How To Be, Transforming Your Life Through Sacred Theatre

"Rewiring the Soul is one the best introductions to the spiritual life I've ever read. Not esoteric but real-world & practical. The implications are profound." Peter Shepherd; Founder Trans4mind.com; author: Daring To Be Yourself 

"The human being's directory to the soul. A breakthrough for those seeking practical assistance, those of a more mystical bent & every soul awaiting discovery." Toni Petrinovich, Ph.D.; author: The Call: Awakening the Angelic Human

The Tao of Spiritual Partnership

To download the first chapter, click here
To see the Table of Contents click here

Praise for The Tao of Spiritual Partnership

“All humans seek the illusive touch of another's Soul, which opens us to the sense of belonging to something bigger than the self. Dr. Kortsch has given us the true "tao" of relationship in this brilliant exploration of emotional tapestry. We will be grateful for this illumination of spiritual partnership for generations to come."
Chris Griscom: Spiritual Leader, Author

“Eloquently and comprehensive, showing how your primary love relationship may be a sacred vessel that transports you and your partner to a place of mutual healing and expansion.” 
Robert Schwartz: Author of Your Soul’s Gift: The Healing Power of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born 


The Power of Your Heart: Loving the Self (coming October 2013)

My new book: The Power of Your Heart: Loving the Self, is due out later this year. Here is a brief excerpt from the Introduction:

It is your right to live a life of love. It is your right to understand that loving yourself first is not a selfish way of behavior, but one that allows you to live that life of love. However, it's highly probable that you never got the instruction manual explaining exactly how to accomplish this. Possibly your family - and it may have been a loving family - considered loving the self an act of selfishness. Or perhaps the members of your family simply didn't practice loving the self, and of course, what you didn't see - what was not shown to you - while you were growing up, meant that you just didn't learn how to apply it to yourself. The closer you are able to move towards loving yourself, the closer you will be to living a life of love - quite independently of whether you are in a love relationship or not. A life of love can be lived with or without a partnership, because a life of love implies that you know that it all begins with you by loving the self. The more clearly you understand how to love yourself, the more clearly you will see that it is very hard - if not impossible - to love others in ways that are unrelated to fulfilling any of your needs. Loving yourself first is - for so many of us - one of the hardest things we will ever learn how to do. But know this: the benefits affect you in every particle of your being - body, mind, and soul - and are greater than you will ever be able to imagine.

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.