The subject
of boundaries is so fraught with misunderstanding, that it seems appropriate to
write yet another article about it. Poor boundaries, or entirely missing
boundaries always speak of a lack of
love for the self, and while this may appear logical to the discerning reader -
if such an emotionally weighted topic can be described as logical - it is the
difficulty in going about loving the self when there have not been healthy models
to build on in childhood, that creates what often appears to be an
insurmountable Himalayan summit.
When a
client visits me and recounts what many may consider unspeakable acts committed
by the spouse or partner, while it may be true that the partner leaves much to
be desired, what is also true is that the client sitting in despair or
self-loathing in my office, has not had the benefit of a childhood that taught
him how to take good care of the self.
We learn
how to love the self by imitation. We observe how we are regarded and cared for
by others. We see the reflection of love for us in our parents' eyes. These factors
alone - when they are done in a loving and healthy fashion - are enough to give
us the strength, courage, and knowledge to love and care for the self.
When,
however, they are missing, or done only sporadically or depending on some mood,
or not done at all, the lesson we learn is very different indeed. Here are some
scenarios that depict how we miss out on learning those very important early
lessons:
Parents Who Have Not Learned To Love Themselves
Such a
parent is incapable of teaching you the fundamental skill of how to love
yourself. You're going to have to wing it - perhaps when you are still quite
young, or as a teen, or perhaps not until late in life. But it's clear you will
need to learn it on your own, without that vital parental support. Why did they not learn to love themselves?
Easy: they - just like you - did not have the appropriate role model although
you have a great advantage. You've been digging, searching, asking, and reading
articles such as this one. So you have an inkling of what is wrong. They may
have never managed to get to this point - and remember - it has nothing to do
with their level of education. This is, in some ways, very visceral. And it
ties in strongly with both of the next two points.
The first point
- poor boundaries - will have reared its ugly head frequently throughout the
lifetime, either because they themselves allowed others to trespass their
boundaries, or because they did it to others. Oh, you had not realized that people with poor boundaries are often the
greatest trespassers of others' boundaries? It's simply two sides of one
coin.
And the
second point - lack of self-reflection - is a sort of corollary of the first. A
person who does not reflect on the self - and such reflection implies being aware
- is a person who has little real understanding of the dynamics of his/her own
poor boundaries and his/her own lack of self-love.
Back to the
parents who did not learn to love themselves. Have compassion. If they are
still alive, try to imagine what it must have been like for them. Forgive them.
And if they are no longer here, forgive them as well. Forgiving and self-love
are very inter-related.
But you do understand, don't you, that if the
model you are copying has not learned how to walk, you may not learn how to do
so until much later in life. And in this case, the issue is self-love. If you
don't see it happening at home, the degree of difficulty for you to learn it
augments considerably. You will need to become self-reflective and aware in
order to get to the place where you will begin to consider and then understand
that it is your own responsibility to start the process.
Parents With Poor Boundaries
Such a
parent allows others (in particular your other parent, or their partner, should
it not be your other parent, as well as their own parents, friends and
offspring) to step on their boundaries, all the while describing themselves as peacemakers, or someone who likes to
keep a harmonious home. Or they make take another tack and continually complain
about how poorly they are treated, they may cry, shout, explode or become
depressed because they consider themselves victims, but in the end, nothing changes,
because they never learn about how to
implement healthy boundaries. Never forget: someone with poor boundaries, who
is being mistreated in some way by another, plays
their own role in the drama and must learn to take responsibility for their
own side of this tango. It is never
enough - and in fact, of little use - to blame the partner, because for things
to change, it is the person with poor boundaries who needs to change, whether the other changes or not. (Note:
domestic violence and physical abuse fall outside the scope of this article).
However,
such a parent may also be acting out the other side of the coin, where they are
the ones who trespass boundaries.
Either way,
a child who grows up in such a household, will not learn anything at all about
healthy boundaries: quite the contrary - this child may learn a great deal
about painful twinges in the region of the solar plexus each time its own boundaries are trespassed.
Parents Who Lack Skills of Self-Reflection
Such a
parent is simply not aware. Think of it.
If you are not aware you do not reflect about the self. If you do not reflect
about the self, you are not aware. The habit of self-reflection tends to appear
when a certain level of awareness of the self arises over and above the mere
fact of how others impact on one's life.
Introspection evidently forms an
essential part of self-reflection, as does some kind of ability to separate the
ego from the self.
A parent
who is mainly reacting to outer stimuli in the form of events, people,
conversations, and activities, is not self-reflective. A child who sees this
pattern of reactivity does not learn
the art of self-reflection from a role model, as would be the ideal thing to
occur, but rather, if such a child learns it at all, it is because the child
begins to question such reactivity on the part of the parent, perhaps first in
the guise of thoughts such as: I never
want to be like that.
Some areas
that need to be touched on in self-reflection are:
·
the
intention and desire to be aware
enough to be able to be reflective
·
noticing
how you are perceiving whatever it is
that is happening
·
noticing
how you are reacting to whatever is
happening
·
noticing
how you are interpreting whatever is
happening
·
noticing
the inner dialogue that occurs
alongside all of the above
·
remembering
that there is choice involved
throughout this entire process
·
being
willing to make good choices
**********************************
For the
creation of good boundaries we might say that many things have to fall into
place and there are numerous articles both on my website and blogs about
the subject. However, the most important one is to be aware that your poor
boundaries are not caused merely by an inconsiderate or abusive partner, but also by a lack of decision on your part
to begin to make some changes. Poor boundaries are the foundation to a lack of
healthy self-love and by beginning to shore up that poorly-built foundation
(created generally, as said above, by a combination of poor role models in the
early phases of life, and partners subconsciously chosen to exacerbate an already
difficult inner issue), self -love will surely arise similar to the mythical
phoenix that arises from the ashes, and all it requires is the first step of
inner awareness to begin to take you there.
For much more about boundaries and how unhealthy boundaries affect your relationships adversely, as well as about how healthy ones enhance them, and about how this awareness can help you move towards spiritual partnership and inner peace, see my new book The Tao of Spiritual Partnership which is now available in paperback format. (The Kindle version is available here)
To download the first chapter, click here
From the Description on Amazon: More exciting than any other kind of relationship you have ever known, spiritual partnership is a path, a Tao, available to you so that you may transform your life. Spiritual partnership becomes background music to daily life allowing you to enhance the process of your growth and evolution.
This ground-breaking book addresses:
• relationship patterns that hold you back from a truly fulfilled life
• the strong connection between sexuality and spiritual partnership
• communication leading to true connection & lasting transformation of your relationship
It is precisely at the problematic crossroads so often encountered in relationships that we are offered the opportunity to create a new foundation based on mutual complementarity rather than need; a free relationship between two people who want to be together, rather than two people who need to be together. Needing another, we are told, is the measure of love, but for a fully conscious individual nothing could be further from the truth. And therein lies part of the secret and healing power of spiritual partnerships.
Praise for The Tao of Spiritual Partnership
“All humans seek the illusive touch of another's Soul, which opens us to the sense of belonging to something bigger than the self. Dr. Kortsch has given us the true "tao" of relationship in this brilliant exploration of emotional tapestry. We will be grateful for this illumination of spiritual partnership for generations to come."
Chris Griscom: Spiritual Leader, Author (among others) of Time is an Illusion and Ecstasy is a New Frequency
REWIRING THE SOUL
For more about understanding the self and inner growth, also have a look at my earlier book Rewiring the Soul: Finding the Possible Self
To download the first chapter, click here
From the Description on Amazon: Ask anyone, whatever their circumstances, if their life is vibrant, fulfilling, harmonious and happy. An honest reply is likely to be 'no', because to answer a truthful 'yes' is no mean feat. Only to grow psychologically and emotionally is not enough. And only to grow spiritually is not enough either. All three dimensions need to be developed in order to realize your full potential. If you are willing to assume total responsibility for the self and to start what is an on-going journey, you will quickly begin to glimpse the first fruits of the ultimate goal: inner well-being, freedom, peace, harmony and joy. This book sets out the pathway to self-mastery and self-discovery and walking that pathway will be the most exciting adventure of your life.
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