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"All humans seek the illusive touch of another's Soul, which opens us to the sense of belonging to something bigger than the self. Dr. Kortsch has given us the true "tao" of relationship in this brilliant exploration of emotional tapestry. We will be grateful for this illumination of spiritual partnership for generations to come." Chris Griscom, Spiritual Leader, Author

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Thursday, November 24, 2016

Do This Instead of Reliving Your Pain & Making it Worse


What can you say after a bad divorce, cancer diagnosis or any difficult news? When life gets really hard, when things happen that could throw you off your course, and when your mind keeps going over and over the thing that is happening to you, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand that you aren’t going to be in a place of great well-being. Probably you are feeling quite awful, and it just keeps getting worse.

Here are three ideas you might consider before you continue on the path you are currently following. Each of these ideas may change your life … not just now, at this difficult moment … but forever because of the difference it will cause in the way you think about life.

Analysis, Explanation, Defense & Regurgitation

This is what we do instinctively. We analyze ad nauseam. We explain ad infinitum to all those willing to listen. We often forget that some listeners are listening for their own vicarious thrills, whether it’s because what we are telling is verging on the scandalous or on the morbid. Conversely, many who listen do so with love, but if we speak indiscriminately, we’ll never be able to tell the difference. And we defend our actions – sometimes to whoever is willing to listen. What we are not aware of is that in the telling, in the regurgitating of whatever it is that is happening to us, we relive it over and over again.

·         Analyzing exactly why something happened the way it did may be of value once or twice, but especially when relationships break up, people will often do this dozens, if not hundreds of times. By so doing they remain connected to that moment in time – even when years or decades have passed (see also Cellular Responsibility).

·         Continually explaining to others what has happened to us weakens us. It keeps us at that moment in time energetically (also see Emotional and Energetic Vampires).

·         Defending what has happened or what we have done or decided also weakens us because in the defending we are tacitly buying into the idea that because something about it is not right, we need to defend it.

Press Release

I have friends who send out a newsletter at Christmas. I know that some people find this less than personal, and yet I find it wonderful, because I know that a lot of thought went into it, because the sender only has to do it once, as opposed to thinking how to write a personal Christmas card to everyone on their list. If they’re trying to inject a personal note, they’ll add a few special words to each individual, but the main newsletter is the same for one and all. Sort of like a press release. And that is a little bit like what I have recommended in the past for people who need to inform friends and family that they are getting divorced, or that they have been diagnosed with cancer, or any other piece of difficult news.

Why? Because in all instances, if an individual attempts to tell each and every person they wish to communicate this to personally, not only will they relive – over and over again – whatever it is that they need to tell, but they will also have to deal with – over and over again – with all of the reactions that the list of people will give them. And that, in fact, may be even worse than the simple recounting of the event or decision or diagnosis.

You see, especially when people you love and who love you, react to something difficult that is happening to you, they may unwittingly leach your strength. They will commiserate, they will worry, they may cry, they may agree with you that your ex spouse was indeed a louse, or that the last person on earth who deserves such a diagnosis is you, and while all of that is understood in our culture as someone showing you that they care about you, and that they support you, what they are doing, in fact, is that they are not supporting you because what you truly need under those circumstances is for people to treat you – lovingly – but with strength, showing you strength, as opposed to taking your strength.

And so if you send out a missive of sorts to one and all, explaining that you are doing so in order to save yourself the re-living of the event in the multiple telling of said event, and that while you know they all love you and care for you, what you would really ask of them, is that they be strong for you. Ask them when they speak to you to discuss the subject in question if you show yourself to be so inclined, and if not, to offer their strength to you by treating you the way they always had, before this event. This will keep you on a much more even keel – on all levels – than continually discussing something that weakens you. And to reiterate, so that there are no misunderstandings: I am not condoning pretending something is not happening, but I am encouraging individuals to focus on their life in the NOW, as opposed to focusing on their divorce or their health diagnosis.

Inner Dialogue

Keep close tabs on your inner dialogue. It is here that you decide everything, but only if you are aware of it. If the inner dialogue or self-talk is mindless, it means you have not yet woken up to yourself, you have not yet become conscious. If you are reading this and do not know what I am referring to, ask yourself what thoughts you have had over the past hour, and how they have affected the state of your inner well-being, and how that has affected the outcome of the activities in which you were involved over that period of time. (Also see Consciousness is a Full-time Job).

In order for you to play a role in deciding what the inner dialogue will be, you must be conscious, and you will need to take the decision to remain conscious for the rest of your life. The pot of gold at the end of this particular quest is your inner peace and freedom.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

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