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"All humans seek the illusive touch of another's Soul, which opens us to the sense of belonging to something bigger than the self. Dr. Kortsch has given us the true "tao" of relationship in this brilliant exploration of emotional tapestry. We will be grateful for this illumination of spiritual partnership for generations to come." Chris Griscom, Spiritual Leader, Author

"Eloquent and comprehensive, showing how your primary love relationship may be a sacred vessel that transports you and your partner to a place of mutual healing and expansion." Robert Schwartz, Author: Your Soul's Gift: The Healing Power of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born

"The Tao of Spiritual Partnership is a unique blend of wit and wisdom; Dr. Kortsch encourages us to take responsibility for our relationships, while recognizing and seizing the opportunities for our own personal spiritual growth." William Buhlman, Author of Adventures Beyond the Body

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Do This Instead of Reliving Your Pain & Making it Worse


What can you say after a bad divorce, cancer diagnosis or any difficult news? When life gets really hard, when things happen that could throw you off your course, and when your mind keeps going over and over the thing that is happening to you, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand that you aren’t going to be in a place of great well-being. Probably you are feeling quite awful, and it just keeps getting worse.

Here are three ideas you might consider before you continue on the path you are currently following. Each of these ideas may change your life … not just now, at this difficult moment … but forever because of the difference it will cause in the way you think about life.

Analysis, Explanation, Defense & Regurgitation

This is what we do instinctively. We analyze ad nauseam. We explain ad infinitum to all those willing to listen. We often forget that some listeners are listening for their own vicarious thrills, whether it’s because what we are telling is verging on the scandalous or on the morbid. Conversely, many who listen do so with love, but if we speak indiscriminately, we’ll never be able to tell the difference. And we defend our actions – sometimes to whoever is willing to listen. What we are not aware of is that in the telling, in the regurgitating of whatever it is that is happening to us, we relive it over and over again.

·         Analyzing exactly why something happened the way it did may be of value once or twice, but especially when relationships break up, people will often do this dozens, if not hundreds of times. By so doing they remain connected to that moment in time – even when years or decades have passed (see also Cellular Responsibility).

·         Continually explaining to others what has happened to us weakens us. It keeps us at that moment in time energetically (also see Emotional and Energetic Vampires).

·         Defending what has happened or what we have done or decided also weakens us because in the defending we are tacitly buying into the idea that because something about it is not right, we need to defend it.

Press Release

I have friends who send out a newsletter at Christmas. I know that some people find this less than personal, and yet I find it wonderful, because I know that a lot of thought went into it, because the sender only has to do it once, as opposed to thinking how to write a personal Christmas card to everyone on their list. If they’re trying to inject a personal note, they’ll add a few special words to each individual, but the main newsletter is the same for one and all. Sort of like a press release. And that is a little bit like what I have recommended in the past for people who need to inform friends and family that they are getting divorced, or that they have been diagnosed with cancer, or any other piece of difficult news.

Why? Because in all instances, if an individual attempts to tell each and every person they wish to communicate this to personally, not only will they relive – over and over again – whatever it is that they need to tell, but they will also have to deal with – over and over again – with all of the reactions that the list of people will give them. And that, in fact, may be even worse than the simple recounting of the event or decision or diagnosis.

You see, especially when people you love and who love you, react to something difficult that is happening to you, they may unwittingly leach your strength. They will commiserate, they will worry, they may cry, they may agree with you that your ex spouse was indeed a louse, or that the last person on earth who deserves such a diagnosis is you, and while all of that is understood in our culture as someone showing you that they care about you, and that they support you, what they are doing, in fact, is that they are not supporting you because what you truly need under those circumstances is for people to treat you – lovingly – but with strength, showing you strength, as opposed to taking your strength.

And so if you send out a missive of sorts to one and all, explaining that you are doing so in order to save yourself the re-living of the event in the multiple telling of said event, and that while you know they all love you and care for you, what you would really ask of them, is that they be strong for you. Ask them when they speak to you to discuss the subject in question if you show yourself to be so inclined, and if not, to offer their strength to you by treating you the way they always had, before this event. This will keep you on a much more even keel – on all levels – than continually discussing something that weakens you. And to reiterate, so that there are no misunderstandings: I am not condoning pretending something is not happening, but I am encouraging individuals to focus on their life in the NOW, as opposed to focusing on their divorce or their health diagnosis.

Inner Dialogue

Keep close tabs on your inner dialogue. It is here that you decide everything, but only if you are aware of it. If the inner dialogue or self-talk is mindless, it means you have not yet woken up to yourself, you have not yet become conscious. If you are reading this and do not know what I am referring to, ask yourself what thoughts you have had over the past hour, and how they have affected the state of your inner well-being, and how that has affected the outcome of the activities in which you were involved over that period of time. (Also see Consciousness is a Full-time Job).

In order for you to play a role in deciding what the inner dialogue will be, you must be conscious, and you will need to take the decision to remain conscious for the rest of your life. The pot of gold at the end of this particular quest is your inner peace and freedom.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)


Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 
  


Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... AHORA en todo el mundo en Amazon (versión bolsillo y Kindle)



Note: My other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed. I generally post in each of these two blogs once a week. 

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram 

Also visit my Spanish & German blogs by clicking on the language links above in the MENU.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Not Minding What Happens


For a very large portion of my life, I've been intent on - and very conscious of - the desire to improve myself. Oh, I don't mean studying or learning more, or taking tennis or piano lessons, although all of that is also very much part of my life. What I mean with improving myself has to do with 'making myself a better person', or at least trying to. Becoming more patient, being less critical, dealing with my temper, being more loving, and so on. The list is long. Just like most people, I was born with (or learned to be like this as I grew) many faults and imperfections.

So of course this entailed much work, because long ingrained habits are not lost in a week. It meant I had to learn how to be very conscious of myself at all times. That was not so very hard - at least for me - as I had started this (albeit in small ways) already as a child barely into puberty. Later - much later - I incorporated a daily practice of mindfulness to my life. I also had to learn how to love myself and all that self-love entails. That was much harder, and continues to be an ongoing process.

But of course, the longer this continued, and the more I did it, the easier life became. There was less and less of anything that had the power to have an effect on me, and that meant it was easier to remain in a state of harmony and inner peace - or simply in a state of equilibrium - more of the time. Or conversely, perhaps precisely because I was in that state of inner peace, less and less of anything had the power to have an effect on me.

I began to clearly see that when something happened in my outer world, I was simply not particularly bothered. So if a flight was delayed and I lost my connection, I observed the facts, and I observed myself, noting if I still needed some self-dialogue to go back to that inner peace. If someone was rude or hurtful to me, I observed the facts, and I observed myself, again noting if self-dialogue was necessary to return to inner peace. If the internet was on the fritz; if the restaurant was out of the one thing I really wanted to order; if the appliance repair man didn't show up; if there was an unexpected traffic jam making me late for an important appointment; if I lost my keys; if someone had blocked my parked car, etc., etc., I noticed that I observed the facts and I observed myself, noting, as above, if I still needed self-dialogue to find my inner peace again.

It became very clear that life had become so much easier, so much more pleasurable - and I say this even in the midst of what sometimes were very trying outer circumstances.

It brought to mind something I had read in the late 90's about Jiddu Krishnamurti giving a series of talks in California in the 60's. He had many devoted followers who came to his lectures. One day he announced that on that evening he would reveal the secret to his happiness, as he felt that most of his followers, despite coming to many of his lectures, had not understood - had missed the point. Of course many of those people came to that revelatory lecture, hoping to finally find some inspiration. Krishnamurti then said: the secret to my happiness is not minding what happens.

I puzzled over this. At first it sounded as though he was lauding apathy. Then I thought no, he simply no longer has an attachment to the outcome of any given thing. And then I realized, as I underwent the process I have described in this post, that what this meant (or so I believe) was that he was simply able to observe events, people, facts, without getting caught in the sway of emotions that we normally attach to anything. There is that word 'attach' again. If you can observe what happens, if you can remain in that space of inner peace, good or bad, positive or negative emotions need not arise. And hence you don't mind what happens.

Does that mean you don't try to do something about it? Perhaps you are observing world hunger, or inequality, or human trafficking, or perhaps you are observing something difficult in your own immediate, or even personal environment. Of course you try to do something about it. But you do this in very different ways than you would if negative emotions were attached to it all.

Is this path easy? No. It is do-able? Absolutely yes. It - as so much else - is a choice for each and every one of us.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)
See links in left side-bar


Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich
  


Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... AHORA en todo el mundo en Amazon (versión bolsillo y Kindle)




Note: My other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed. I generally post in each of these two blogs once a week. 

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram 

Also visit my Spanish & German blogs by clicking on the language links above in the MENU.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Imagine Life with no Bitterness or Resentment


I've often wondered if those people whose lives are filled with bitterness and resentment could just see for a moment in time what their lives would - could - be like without the bitterness and the resentment (and the ensuing pain), whether they would then take the step towards making the choice of putting the bitterness and resentment behind them.

Because that is really what it's all about ... making a different choice.

It's not so much about being compassionate towards the person (or institution) who did whatever it was to you; it's also not so much about letting by-gones be by-gones. Much more than that it's about recognizing that you can continue to identify with whatever it was that threw your life out of balance at some point in the past (yesterday, nine months, or a quarter of a century ago), and that caused much pain then, which is why the bitterness and resentment arose, or you can decide that you simply are no longer that person. That you choose to be a person without bitterness and resentment for you. For your own good. For your own inner freedom and growth. And particularly in order to make space inside of you. As you choose to turn your back on the bitterness and resentment, you no longer need to use up energy - psychic energy - (psychological energy) to keep up those feelings. So now your energy can be channeled towards totally different - life-giving - endeavours.

A wonderful example of this is demonstrated in the movie A Mighty Heart, the true-life drama about the kidnapping and eventual beheading, in 2002, of the Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl, starring Angelina Jolie as Pearl's widow Mariane, and produced by Brad Pitt. The movie, based on Mariane Pearl's very powerful book by the same title, allows the viewer to experience first-hand how a person who has gone through such a tremendously traumatic and painful experience - one that most of us will never have to endure - has managed to not carry a heavy weight of bitterness and hatred.

How can you do this? As said, you can choose it. It is really that simple. A choice that you make. Of course, because you have long ingrained habits, at the beginning you will need to practice choosing this. The subject that has created the bitterness and resentment in you will arise over and over again in your head and you will need to make a different choice about where your thoughts go as soon as you become aware of the fact that you are thinking about this issue yet again. You don't shove it under the carpet. You simply say to yourself: ah, here I am again. I don't really like this place, so although I'm not yet sure how this whole thing is going to get resolved, just for now - just for today - I choose to focus elsewhere. Perhaps on nature. Perhaps you'll do some physical exercise. Perhaps on something inspirational. But if in the moment of the recognition of those familiar thoughts you have no time to do anything, you can simply look around for something of beauty, perhaps in the room where you find yourself, or look out the window and see the sky, a tree, etc. Focus on its beauty, feel gratitude for its presence in your life. This is enough to shift your inner state. And when the thoughts arise again, do the same again. over and over, and after some time the habit will have lost so much of its strength that you hardly think of it anymore. And when you do, it will be a simply case of refocusing - which by now you will have become an expert at - in order to move elsewhere with you thoughts and feelings. This is a choice. Start today.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)


Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 
  


Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... AHORA en todo el mundo en Amazon (versión bolsillo y Kindle)



Note: My other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed. I generally post in each of these two blogs once a week. 

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram 

Also visit my Spanish & German blogs by clicking on the language links above in the MENU.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

The Transforming Power of Anger

Anger may have a strong hold over you. Perhaps it is related to things that happened to you when you were small, or maybe you just never learned to control it well. You might have an explosive temper 'by nature', or you might 'see red' at the slightest provocation. However it is, when anger has a strong hold over you, as long as you do nothing to countermand it, you might say you are controlled by your anger.

Not a good place to be.

Renowned thinkers over the millennia have said some very salient and eye-opening things about anger:
  • Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it on someone else; you are the one who gets burned. Buddha
  • When you are offended at any man's fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger. Epictetus
  • How much more grievous are the consequence of anger than the causes of it. Marcus Aurelius
  • Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. Mark Twain
  • If you do not wish to be prone to anger, do not feed the habit; give it nothing which may tend to its increase. At first, keep quiet and count the days when you were not angry: I used to be angry every day, then every other day: next every two, next every three days! and if you succeed in passing thirty days, sacrifice to the Gods in thanksgiving. Epictetus
I have something to put out there for you today - simply so that you give it some consideration. You might even put it on a back burner in your mind for a bit, in order that you are able to take a peek at it every so often for several days or weeks. I acknowledge that it is something that may - for a moment - even cause to to become angry at me for even suggesting such a thing. Allow it to percolate inside you, rather than dismissing it at the outset, in order that you may - at some point in the near future - potentially reap the benefits of this thought.

And the thought is simply this: why not use your anger as a catalyst? Use it to allow you to transform yourself. Use the anger, as it arises, to practice being another. That is, you therefore begin to practice being "another" you who is not ruled and guided by your anger. Much of this has to do with how aware you are in the moment that the anger arises. Being aware at that moment (see both related articles below) allows you the possibility to begin a new self-dialogue around the anger thoughts (for nano-seconds). Such a new self-dialogue will offer you the possibility of deciding to change how you now react. It's totally within your hands. You can - if you so desire - intend it. It's a choice.

Related articles:




Image: "Metamorphose" (bronze sculpture) found in http://www.cedip.de/kunst-edition-bronze_skulpturen-metamorphose/p1553


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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch


Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.