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"All humans seek the illusive touch of another's Soul, which opens us to the sense of belonging to something bigger than the self. Dr. Kortsch has given us the true "tao" of relationship in this brilliant exploration of emotional tapestry. We will be grateful for this illumination of spiritual partnership for generations to come." Chris Griscom, Spiritual Leader, Author

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"The Tao of Spiritual Partnership is a unique blend of wit and wisdom; Dr. Kortsch encourages us to take responsibility for our relationships, while recognizing and seizing the opportunities for our own personal spiritual growth." William Buhlman, Author of Adventures Beyond the Body

Friday, June 19, 2015

Are There Manipulative "Vampire" Bits in You?


Most of the articles I've written about boundaries here on this blog, on my other one, as well as my website, deal with them from the point of view of the person whose boundaries are not healthy, and are in some fashion being trespassed.

Today I'd like to offer some words for those people (maybe you?) who perhaps have not yet recognized themselves as trespassers of others' boundaries. Have a look at the following and see if any of it sounds familiar:
  • My friend (or family member) is so unkind (or uncaring, or cold) because although he/she knows I am going through a very difficult situation, I just don't get any support when I call to talk about it. (Have you perhaps been calling every day in order to recount the day's drama? Or have you been relying on this person to help you get out of a low mood? Have you given any thought to the fact that you are draining them? It's one thing for your friend to offer support, and quite another thing to become your priest/counselor/mother/father all wrapped up into one).
  • My friend is being hostile to me just because I forgot we were going to lunch and phoned in the last minute to say I couldn't get there. (Have you perhaps done this quite a few times already? Have you literally demonstrated to your friend how little you seem to respect the friendship by this kind of behavior? Have you considered that your friend needs to look after his/her own well-being by letting you know you are out of line? And have you considered that by believing he/she is being hostile by calling you on your behavior has much more to say about you than your friend?).
  • I have difficulty with (directions, computers, reading sheet music, hammering nails into the wall ... you name it ... we all have difficulty with something), but my friend is downright cruel. I asked him/her for help with __________ and got a total refusal to help me. Can you believe how unkind he/she is? (Have you considered that your friend has shown you how to do whatever it is you have problems with many times? have you considered that perhaps it became your own responsibility to look after your 'learning' of this activity, or of figuring out some way of helping yourself to do it, despite your difficulty, and that it certainly is no longer your friend's responsibility to do so?).
  • I thought my friend was generous and kind and now look at him/her: all I asked was for a very small favor, and I was told no. (Have you considered that perhaps you have taken and taken from this friend and now he/she has had it and no longer wants to give?).
  • I've done so much for my friend and now he/she scarcely returns my calls and doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with me. (Have you considered that while it may be true that perhaps you helped them get settled when they moved to your city, or you were kind to them when they were in bed with the flu that time in 1990, or you asked them to join an exclusive club you were already a member of, it is also true that what you expected in return for these kindnesses was so great - as in eternal gratitude, or continual availability, or being included in all your friend's activities, that you have made him/her feel smothered and strangled and therefore they had to get a healthy distance from you).
While my no means conclusive, some of these questions may cause you to look at yourself in new ways. That is good. Or perhaps they have angered you. That is also good because - as Jung stated nearly a century ago - strong affect (emotion) is always a red flag about something that requires looking at with a clear and objective eye, free of all blindness with regards to your own behavior.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is now also out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Spanish & German - coming spring 2015)

 

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

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