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"All humans seek the illusive touch of another's Soul, which opens us to the sense of belonging to something bigger than the self. Dr. Kortsch has given us the true "tao" of relationship in this brilliant exploration of emotional tapestry. We will be grateful for this illumination of spiritual partnership for generations to come." Chris Griscom, Spiritual Leader, Author

"Eloquent and comprehensive, showing how your primary love relationship may be a sacred vessel that transports you and your partner to a place of mutual healing and expansion." Robert Schwartz, Author: Your Soul's Gift: The Healing Power of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born

"The Tao of Spiritual Partnership is a unique blend of wit and wisdom; Dr. Kortsch encourages us to take responsibility for our relationships, while recognizing and seizing the opportunities for our own personal spiritual growth." William Buhlman, Author of Adventures Beyond the Body

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Having the Courage to Speak Freely

How often has someone said or done something to you that is hurtful, or inconsiderate, or thoughtless? How does it make you feel? What have you chosen to do about it? 

It may be that you find it altogether too scary, too frightening, even threatening, to address the matter with the person who said or did this thing to you. If that person is someone who only exists on the periphery of your life, and is, therefore, of no particular importance, you could choose to ignore him/her. Case closed.

But what if the person occupies a much more central role in your life, perhaps a co-worker, or a person who frequents the same groups of people you socialize with, or even someone from your closest inner circle: the family? What on earth can you do then?

I'm a great believer in transparency, honesty, and in grabbing the bull by the horns. Admittedly, that's not always the best solution, but in the not small number of decades I've lived on this planet, in almost all cases transparency, openness, and honesty have given me good results - and with people from all levels of social, professional, and academic fields.

So here's what I recommend: speak with the person who is upsetting you. Perhaps he/she is not respecting your boundaries, and that of course would have to be examined - both about the other person who does not respect your boundaries, and about you who are unable to set up healthy boundaries, or perhaps there are cultural differences that need to be added to the equation in order for the two of you to understand each other. It's also possible he/she is unaware of the impact those words or actions have on you. Perhaps it is all simply a huge misunderstanding. And of course, under such circumstances, talking about it can bring about solutions. However, I can promise you this, if you don't address it, the situation will only compound into something much worse.

And further, if you don't address it at all, perhaps hoping and longing it will get solved ipso facto by a process of humanistic osmosis, or if you take the passive aggressive route and attempt to surreptitiously undermine the other whenever the opportunity presents itself, having decided - with no proof because nothing has been addressed (which means, so far, it's mainly in your head) - that the other party is guilty, or even waging a whisper campaign against the other in the hopes of garnering support for your position, then, of course, the situation will never have the slightest hope of being resolved, and your relationship with this person can only become increasingly exacerbated over time.

Having the courage to speak freely, transparently, and openly is not easy. If you've never done it before - no matter your age - or if you did not have role models in your childhood that showed you how this is done - then the mere thought of doing it might literally freeze you in your tracks. And yet ... it's one of your best chances to not only uncover what is at the root of your difficulty with the other party, but also to grow and mature. It is, as always, your choice.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My new book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is now out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch


Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

Find more free articles from my monthly newsletters as well as more information about my work at Advanced Personal Therapy

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Tick Tock Tick Tock ...


With the victory of the Syriza Party (Coalition of the Radical Left) in Greece on Sunday, an anti-austerity and much more left-leaning party than those that have been in power in many decades, the leader of a similar party in Spain - Podemos (which means 'we can') - and which has also been rising in the national polls like so much foam, from nothing and being totally unknown less than a year ago to such a point that much of the main stream national press in Spain posits that if elections were held today instead of presumably late this year, Podemos would surely win - made a gesture yesterday to the leader of Spain's current ruling party the PP, and said, with some irony: tick tock, tick tock, as if to tell said leader (Mariano Rajoy): your time is up.

You may be wondering why this blog, so concerned with self-growth, spiritual partnership, self-love, etc., is talking about politics.

It's quite simple. We look to those in power, we even look to those in media. film, and the arts, to set a series of guidelines for us to follow. When we become disillusioned with that which is the overarching guideline in a given area, we oust them (politically), we stop buying their art or attending their films (artistically), we no longer watch the news channels in question, and so on, voicing our protest in that fashion. As indeed we should.

But there is a much deeper underlying rotten apple at the bottom of this barrel that sorely needs to be weeded out ... and that is, ladies and gentlemen, ourselves you and me.

We're too lazy - or too comfortable in our armchairs of complacency - to do it for ourselves. Or we expect the outside world (government) to fix matters for us. (As many parents expect teachers to fix their children for them). What we forget is that all elements of government come from people like us. Like you and me. The guy down the street became Treasurer/Finance Minister, that woman over there that you used to bully in the schoolyard became the head of the IMF, the fellow ahead of you at school who played football is now the head of the CIA, and the one who was at the top of his game in cricket sits in the corner view office at MI5. Upper class, middle class, lower class is not the issue. What is at issue is what's going on inside the person in office, or the one who is influencing large numbers of the masses, and what his/her core principles are, whether or not he/she has realized that he has no price and therefore can not be bought; whether he/she has clearly seen his/her purpose in living the life he's chosen.

For this to work, it's not enough to oust political parties, hoping - assuming - believing the next one would magically fix everything. In Spain people were disillusioned with the centrist-right leaning government of Aznar, he lost the election to a left leaning party PSOE and a man called Zapatero came into power, global economy went kerplunk, Zapatero was maligned and vilified as being the sole author of all calamities and a right leaning government (PP) came in to replace him. That government is now being vilified, with numerous corruption scandals at its core, and people are tending towards the afore-mentioned far left party called Podemos.

Do you see how it is a continual see-saw? Nothing has changed other than what people pin their hopes on.

If we do not change ourselves - on a person-by-person basis, nothing will ever change out there. Oh yes, we may occasionally be lucky enough to have a few good leaders that do make a difference, but what we want are leaders who arise from among people who care enough not only about their country and fellow citizens, but who care enough about themselves to truly make a conscious decision to work on their own transformation. This is the way we will 'grow' a new breed of leaders. Start with yourself. You choose.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My new book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is now out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch


Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

Find more free articles from my monthly newsletters as well as more information about my work at Advanced Personal Therapy

Friday, January 23, 2015

Stimulating Compassion Can Start With You


We hear much about being more compassionate, more altruistic, kinder, more caring, more loving, and much of the time this is directed out there in the sense that where we need to build these qualities in ourselves is in the way we deal with others ... with all others.

It is very true that doing this would not only promote greater well-being among people, but it would create a world that would look quite a bit different than the one we are used to.

I believe however, that possibly one of the reasons we lack greater compassion for the world out there - for our fellow human (and any sentient) beings - is because many of us haven't developed much of it for ourselves. Think about it: how can we possibly live a compassionate life - other than at determined moments, where we direct our compassion to others in general - if we don't experience compassion for ourselves?

I often ask clients - who easily understand that we need to be loving, tender, kind, caring, and compassionate with children - how it is that they are generally able to do this for their children, but then treat themselves with such harshness, such judgemental thoughts, such criticism, such demands of perfection. My next words are always about practicing said compassion for themselves, and underlining that the more they do this, the easier it will be for them to spread such compassion and caring out there for others.

That begs the question, of course, how this can be accomplished - especially in a person who has lived on this planet for some decades and has deeply ingrained habits.

Do this:

  • practice becoming mindful (there are numerous posts on my blogs about this, click on the label below, or read any of my books, or look on the internet and YouTube where you will find an amazing amount of information about this very beneficial habit). 
  • becoming mindful allows you to interact much more proactively with your own thoughts, catching the ones that are anything but compassionate and nipping them in the bud with a new self-dialogue
  • changing the self-dialogue will change how you choose to treat yourself and therein begins self-love
As your compassion and caring for yourself grows in frequency and quality, as well as in consistency, the light and warmth that spring up inside of you for you will support you in many different ways as you move towards being more compassionate and caring for all.


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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My new book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is now out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch


Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

Find more free articles from my monthly newsletters as well as more information about my work at Advanced Personal Therapy

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Trying Too Hard


Couples often ask how they can resolve their differences and the one who wants to resolve more - perhaps - than the other, will then go on to tell me "I am willing to do whatever my husband/wife wants.

That would be a colossal mistake. This is what I am labeling as trying too hard in today's post. Not because I'm against pleasing a partner - of course that can be a wonderful thing to do, but because I don't believe in the value of attempting changes for the sake of another but that don't of along with a true desire to make those changes in the heart and mind of the person him or herself.

A case in point: if your partner has desperately been requesting you for years to take greater interest in one of his/her hobbies (skiing, theatre, football, opera, etc.), and you now make it your business to accompany your partner to any and all of those activities, or to watch them on television together, in order to gain points with your partner, you are setting yourself up for a rapid disaster. At first, your partner may be lulled into believing that you have, indeed, changed, and that you are now beginning to show interest, but unless your interest is genuine, you will stop showing interest shortly after you feel the rift between the two of you has been resolved.

A similar case in point - although on slightly more serious lines - could be a partner who has been asking you for nearly all the time you've been together, to spend more quality time with him/her, and also with the family. You've demurred, you've given excuses, you've been lazy about it, and above all, you never really tried. Now it's crunch time. Your partner is threatening an endgame. So you've decided to cave in and finally do what has been asked of you so often for so long. In and of itself that is good. But what if you do it simply to ensure your partner stays with you? What if little of what you are doing is coming from a place of real desire to change the part of you that has kept yourself so distant, and is mainly coming from the place that wants to ensure the survival of the marriage because as long as the marriage exists you feel good or safe? Just as in the earlier example, this will mean that once you feel things are back to an even keel - i.e., your partner is no longer threatening abandonment - you will in all likelihood revert to your former behaviour.

In each instance above you try too hard for the wrong reason and therefore you will stop trying once you perceive the danger to have passed.

That begs the question: what would be the right reason? Are you meant to like opera even though you find it stultifying? No. Not in the least. You might, however, come to an agreement with your partner in which you 'exchange' liking an activity the other enjoys. Perhaps you enjoy bridge and have long wanted your partner to join you in the game. You might agree that once a month each of you will spend an evening participating in the other's activity of choice. That is very different from trying to like something; pretending to like something just so you feel that your partner is safe in your hands again. Being honest and trying to find a viable solution for both, as opposed to simply refusing to participate will go a long way to create good will.

In the other example is is even more important to be clear about exactly why you are attempting to change. Merely paying lip service is of no long term use. So how about this: becoming aware of and recognizing that if you want a partnership, but are not willing to spend quality time with your partner and the family, signifies that something is not quite right in your emotional make-up. Understanding, furthermore, that this therefore means that this warrants some attention on your part. Not so much for your partner, but for you. In order that you may grow in positive ways. Such self-discovery will go a long way towards creating more good will in your partnership, but above all, it will help you become what you truly can be.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My new book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is now out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch


Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

Find more free articles from my monthly newsletters as well as more information about my work at Advanced Personal Therapy