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"All humans seek the illusive touch of another's Soul, which opens us to the sense of belonging to something bigger than the self. Dr. Kortsch has given us the true "tao" of relationship in this brilliant exploration of emotional tapestry. We will be grateful for this illumination of spiritual partnership for generations to come." Chris Griscom, Spiritual Leader, Author

"Eloquent and comprehensive, showing how your primary love relationship may be a sacred vessel that transports you and your partner to a place of mutual healing and expansion." Robert Schwartz, Author: Your Soul's Gift: The Healing Power of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born

"The Tao of Spiritual Partnership is a unique blend of wit and wisdom; Dr. Kortsch encourages us to take responsibility for our relationships, while recognizing and seizing the opportunities for our own personal spiritual growth." William Buhlman, Author of Adventures Beyond the Body

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

How Often Do Praise & Laughter Come Your Way?


You may have friends with whom you enjoy hearty belly laughs. Or you may have lovely people in your life who praise you often. But perhaps you don't. Or perhaps the above happens, but not as frequently as you might like. Consider being the source of it yourself. You can be the source of your own laughter and praise.

Regarding laughter, you may - at least initially - need outside inspiration, such as video clips (plenty of funny ones - even for people like myself whose 'funny bone' is a bit strange - on YouTube), or films you may already have in your library that caused you to laugh long and hard when you saw them the first time, or simply do a search on YouTube for brief two to four-minute video clips teaching laugh therapy. (In case you are not aware of it, laugh therapy can reduce stress, as well as improve the quality of your life. Laughing has physical effects because it is able to stimulate the circulatory and immune systems of your body).

However, I find that laughing at myself (in loving ways) is sometimes the funniest of all. Perhaps it happens when I am with others, or it might happen when I am totally alone and realize what I'm doing (don't ask), or when I relate something about myself to others that was not so funny when it occurred, and yet, in hindsight, is hilarious - and the joke is on me! If you have a habit of doing this, you will know that it brightens up your day ... so start now.

Praising yourself is another one of those things so many of us tend not to do. Starting with our cultural bias that taught us since we were very young that praising the self is boastful, egotistical, sinful, etc., many people feel absolutely uncomfortable doing it, and believe that this discomfort underlines the truth of the fact that praising the self is not good. That then becomes a vicious circle, and they simply never get in the habit of doing it. But the truth is (one simple place to look this up is in research put out by proponents of positive psychology) that praising yourself is good for you.

Did you have to fight a bit with yourself this morning to get to they gym, or jogging trail? But you did it anyway? How about not giving in to the temptation to have that luscious looking croissant and eating something healthier instead? What about when you caught yourself in the habit of criticizing others and stopped mid-track in order to not continue? Aren't those all praise-worthy? Is there anything wrong with praising yourself for doing that? If so please comment below, or email me!

Laughing about yourself, praising yourself, and loving yourself are all ways to care for yourself. Would you not laugh with a small child to see it happy? Would you not praise it for its tiniest progress? And would you not show it you love it at all times? So treat yourself the same way.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My new book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is out globally in print, and the Kindle version will be available by October 8th.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch


Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

Find more free articles from my monthly newsletters as well as more information about my work at Advanced Personal Therapy

Friday, September 26, 2014

Are You Interested in Growth?


Our culture of 'instant' everything is teaching many - or causing many - to believe that the main purpose in their lives is to 'become' someone and to accumulate much. We speak a great deal about success, of reaching goals, of being well-known, famous, etc., but we - or the culture in which we find ourselves immersed - seem to pay very little attention to growing.

How does a small seed become an oak tree? How does another kind of small seed become a tomato plant? How does a human embryo become a baby and then a child and then an adult? Obviously all grow. And what does the process of this kind of growth entail? Have you ever seen a child pulling at a budding plant to make it 'grow' faster and merely ripping it out of the ground? Or perhaps you've seen one of those YouTube videos showing how someone tries to help a butterfly emerge from the chrysalis and cause it to shrivel and die, as opposed to emerging in its own time in order to express its metamorphosed glory.

Perhaps if we paid a bit more attention to our own process of growth (which means both inner and outer), as opposed to 'getting' somewhere, or 'becoming' someone, or 'achieving' something, we would - ironically - get there more quickly, or in much better shape. Our growth is as crucial to our development as sentient and spiritual beings, as the time in the chrysalis is crucial to the emerging butterfly. Why not focus on that - on our growth - as opposed to focusing on the end result? Do you really think the caterpillar is focusing on becoming a butterfly? It's focusing on its process of growth and transformation, where transformation is the operative word. And do you really think that while the chrysalis is in formation it is focusing on becoming a butterfly? It's focusing on its process of growth and metamorphosis, where metamorphosis is the operative word. Let's learn from the caterpillar. Let's focus on growth, transformation and metamorphosis, at least as much as we focus on our end result. We might be amazed with the results.

It was Goethe who said: Everybody wants to be somebody; nobody wants to grow, and it was Bach who said: What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My new book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is out globally in print, and the Kindle version will be available by October 8th.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch


Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

Find more free articles from my monthly newsletters as well as more information about my work at Advanced Personal Therapy

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Being in Charge of Your Unhappiness


Being in charge of your unhappiness means taking responsibility for it, and that sounds like there's no one and nothing left to blame. And that - of course - is what this is all about.

When you are unhappy, it is because you have chosen to be so due to someone not behaving the way you wanted them to, or something not turning out the way you might have it expected to. So life did not go your way. Things simply weren't the way you wanted them to be.
  • your partner forgot your wedding anniversary
  • your boss did not promote you
  • you wanted to go to the beach and when you opened the curtains, you saw it was raining
  • you expected to be able to find the car of your dreams for the budget you had stipulated, and then realized it would cost much more. So now you have to make do with a lesser car
  • you thought the person you had dinner with the first time two nights ago would call you by today, and they have not done so
  • you expected your son to help you with the garden this weekend and he went out with his friends instead
  • you expected your best friend to help you set up your party, and it turns out she forgot!
And so - understandably - you are unhappy.

And of course you believe you are unhappy because of what the other person did or did not do, or because of the situation that did not turn out the way you would have liked it to.

And that is precisely where you need to begin to take responsibility for your unhappiness.

How?

By taking responsibility for your happiness. So if you are unhappy about something, you are the one who can change how you feel. Either by choosing to change how you feel about something. how you think about something, how you view something- all of which essentially point towards how you react to the situation in question (which is a choice you make), or by choosing to do something that will raise your energy to levels where you are able to once again feel happy. Here are a few ideas about that:
Your happiness is in your hands. If you leave it in the hands of the acts and deeds of others, or in the manner in which situations in your life turn out, you are not free.

Freedom implies being in charge of - being responsible for your unhappiness and hence your happiness.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch


Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

Find more free articles from my monthly newsletters as well as more information about my work at Advanced Personal Therapy

Monday, September 22, 2014

Moving Towards Transparent Relationships


Who hasn't lied in a relationship? Maybe not about something as shattering as having an affair on the side, but perhaps something more light-weight such as pretending to like football or opera at the beginning so you can be with the football or opera lover, when it actually bores you. And who hasn't been lied to in a relationship – and felt the results: lack of trust and a general sense of malaise that permeates everything from that point forward, because you just don’t know anymore whether the person that lied once can be trusted to not lie in future.

Another case in point: who hasn't been shown one face in a relationship (or shown one face yourself to that other person), meaning that you are being allowed to believe one thing, while in fact, a totally other thing is going on behind the scenes? An example might be when someone you know has just become very upset by something you have done or said (but for the sake of my example, what you did or said was innocent, or well-meant, not based on a desire to hurt or upset), but instead of letting you know what just happened - in the perception of the other person - you are presented with a smiling face, while in the meantime trouble is brewing behind the scenes. This means that sooner or later - probably after several such theoretically innocent incidents - a great explosion will take place, catching you totally unawares - simply because there was no transparency. Perhaps if you had been told immediately exactly what the other person perceived (and remember, the telling of this can be courteous, and without blame or anger), you might have been upset yourself. But at least you would have known what was going on. And then, when both are calm, it could be discussed. Or perhaps you might have registered the fact that for this particular person you will need to find another way of speaking or acting (not because what you said or did was 'bad', but perhaps they are very sensitive, or fearful, or insecure). Another possibility is that there was a total misunderstanding on the part of the other person who perceived one thing, while what you were doing or saying was a very different thing. Either way, with transparency, all of the above scenarios can be dealt with. Without transparency, a very different kind of situation may arise that could lead to festering (due to lack of communication), and create outright wounds (due to lack of openness and trust) that may be exceedingly difficult to heal.

Transparency and the lack of it in relationships, is a condition with consequences whose insidious tentacles extend much further than pure and simple lying. Transparency means saying what is really inside of you. Transparency means not equivocating about what is important to you. It is not pushing your opinions or likes and dislikes on others, but it is being honest about them when they become part of what is happening in the relationship.

Being transparent implies being vulnerable, because the transparency - the visibility of your inner self - is now out in the open, for your partner to see, to palpate, to react to, to comment on, and possibly, to reject. Clearly, this latter reason, coupled with the fear most people have of being vulnerable (see also “Leaving Your Comfort Zone: Fear of Emotional Expression”), causes many to avoid the issue of transparency. If I allow him or her to see the real me, or so one reasons, he/she will not want to be with me, or will think I am too this or too that. And yet, if you do not allow the other to see the real you, how will they ever really get to know you? And therefore, if they fall in love with you, what or who are they falling in love with??? A chimera, evanescent by nature, since it is not real. Is it not better to risk possible rejection by being transparent, and thus eventually be loved for one’s real self by someone who appreciates it, than to be loved for what one is not?

Image: Clearwing Butterfly

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch


Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

The Acid - but also the Transforming Power - of Anger

Anger may have a strong hold over you. Perhaps it is related to things that happened to you when you were small, or maybe you just never learned to control it well. You might have an explosive temper 'by nature', or you might 'see red' at the slightest provocation. However it is, when anger has a strong hold over you, as long as you do nothing to countermand it, you might say you are controlled by your anger.

Not a good place to be.

Renowned thinkers over the millennia have said some very salient and eye-opening things about anger:
  • Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it on someone else; you are the one who gets burned. Buddha
  • When you are offended at any man's fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger. Epictetus
  • How much more grievous are the consequence of anger than the causes of it. Marcus Aurelius
  • Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. Mark Twain
  • If you do not wish to be prone to anger, do not feed the habit; give it nothing which may tend to its increase. At first, keep quiet and count the days when you were not angry: I used to be angry every day, then every other day: next every two, next every three days! and if you succeed in passing thirty days, sacrifice to the Gods in thanksgiving. Epictetus
I have something to put out there for you today - simply so that you give it some consideration. You might even put it on a back burner in your mind for a bit, in order that you are able to take a peek at it every so often for several days or weeks. Allow it to percolate inside you, rather than dismissing it at the outset, in order that you may - at some point in the near future - potentially reap the benefits of this thought. And the thought is simply this: why not use your anger as a catalyst? Use it to allow you to transform yourself. Use the anger, as it arises, to practice being another. Much of this has to do with how aware you are (click on the mindfulness label under this post) in the moment that the anger arises, in order that you may begin a new self-dialogue around the anger thoughts (for nano-seconds), that will allow you to change how you now react. It's totally within your hands. You can - if you so desire - intend it. It's a choice.


Image: "Metamorphose" (bronze sculpture) found in http://www.cedip.de/kunst-edition-bronze_skulpturen-metamorphose/p1553


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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch


Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Making the Case for Responsibility


Let's say one of your friends says something you don't like. Now you may feel hurt or angry. But let's say you misconstrued or misunderstood what your friend said; perhaps you perceived it in a totally different way than it was intended. But ... the result still is that you may feel hurt or angry. In both instances - whether you understood correctly or not - you feel hurt or angry because you blame your friend for how you now feel, justifying it to yourself by the fact that what was said was not 'nice' or 'kind'. In other words, the responsibility for how you now feel rests on your friend's shoulders.

Think about it for a moment. By virtue of such a mode of thinking, your well-being, happiness, and general state of joy appears to be in the hands of another (or perhaps many others).

Does that make sense? Does that give you a feeling of freedom? Does that make you feel as though you are in charge of your life?

So what's wrong with this scenario? Could it simply be that you have not yet taken responsibility for yourself? Could it be that as long as you 'give' others power over your life and well-being, by blaming them (for whatever), you rescind your own freedom?

How do you take on responsibility for your life, your well-being and happiness, and by extension, for your freedom? What needs to change for that to happen? The short answer is that whenever anything occurs to cause negative affect in you (to create negative emotions in you), you need to first look at yourself in order to ask why this (whatever it is) is bothering you. (And by the way, this is not about social problems, but about personal, inter-relational situations, as well as situations where you are unable to change matters, at least for the moment ... a well-known example of this latter type might be Nelson Mandela).

When you ask yourself the question about why this (whatever it is) is bothering you, you begin a process that calls for self-responsibility. You look inside for answers rather than blaming outside and believing that your answer lies in the blaming: it is the fault of the other person or the situation which immediately implies that you are at the mercy of that person or situation, and therefore you are not free. So going back to my example of the friend who says something that causes you to feel hurt or angry, you would then - at the beginning of such a process; while you're still teaching yourself to think like this - oblige yourself to change your narrative. You'd come up with a different self-dialogue. You would ask yourself why this causes you to feel angry or sad, and then, instead of answering in your default mode as you've done so many times before by saying it's because your friend said such-and-such, and so it's his/her fault, you'd look inside. You'd ask yourself if perhaps you have poor boundaries, and have allowed your friend to be rude or inconsiderate one time too many (in which case a serious conversation is long overdue, which begs the question why you have not had this conversation long ago). Or you'd ask yourself if you have been jumping to conclusions regarding what your friend said due, perhaps, to a lack of self-esteem on your part (in which case you would - grudgingly, perhaps - begin the process of admitting to yourself that you needed to work on that aspect of yourself). Or you'd ask yourself if your pain or anger had to do with your friend refusing to 'fulfill a need' for you (in which case you would begin to recognize - I hope - that you are responsible for fulfilling your own needs).

While these brief guidelines are just a few of the multiple different scenarios that could arise, I am confident you get the gist of the idea of self-responsibility. It is a hard thing to accept, and yet it is one of the broadest avenues to inner freedom that we all have.

Image: Pacific Madrone Tree, National Historic Park, San Juan Island, Washington


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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch


Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Regrets



Imagine, I read when I was much younger, sitting on a rocker when you're quite old, thinking about all the things you never did and about all the people you never loved. I remember my blood ran cold at the image. Imagine, it went on, regretting not having done so many of the things you would have liked to have done, but that you didn't because they scared you, or because you didn't know the outcome, or because you thought there was a chance you might fail, or that others would look at you in pity because you had not been successful. I felt lead in the pit of my stomach as I read that.

Imagine, I read, sitting on that rocker and going over all the things you never did because you told yourself that you had no time, or that they were silly for someone of your age or station in life, or whatever, to do. I shivered.

Imagine, I read, sitting in that rocker and feeling all that regret.

And now I ask you, who read this: imagine not only that - because at least in that scenario you are sitting in a rocker and physically comfortable despite your inner pain - but imagine that you are lying in bed, your body riddled with a terminal disease that will not let you go, or sitting in a wheelchair, quadriplegic, with no more possibility of movement, and you have those same regrets.

Don't let that happen. Don't die regretting everything you did not do. Wayne Dyer wrote: "don't die with your music still in you." So venture out now. Make the most of this life that you have to live. Love now. Dare now. Live now. be joyful now

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch


Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

In the Heat of the Argument


Arguments come about - evidently - because we disagree with another person or several persons or many others. We want to demonstrate that we are right. Needing to be right is the ego trying to make us lose sight of peace, love and truth. Giving Up the Need to Be Right is an entire article about this subject. 

But in today's post, I simply want to prevail on you to keep your eyes on truth. In a marriage or love relationship if you are not aware of yourself as the heat of an argument escalates, it will be impossible to keep your eyes on anything other than your need to be right. Needing to be right is all you focus on if you are not remaining aware and conscious. This means - simply put - that your chances for resolving in a spirit of peace, love, and truth are low, as opposed to the very high chances you have to achieve that if you remain aware. Publius Syrius very rightly said: In a heated argument we are apt to lose sight of the truth, but if he had added that by remaining aware this has excellent chances of not occurring, he would have been even more correct.

Remaining aware implies that as tempers threaten to flare, or as harsh words sit on the tip of your tongue, being aware allows you just that second or two of a gap before any of that happens, and hence allows you to make a better choice. It allows you to keep your eye on peace as opposed to keeping it on being right - which could be likened to the difference between allowing the ego to control you during the course of this argument, or allowing your soul to do so (also called noon-local consciousness).

I choose to assume that you are very interested in maintaining a high level of peace, love and truth in your relationships. In that case, how much practice are you putting into remaining aware at all times?

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch


Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Coming of Age Emotionally


"In our emotional lives we tend to attract to us - and have relationships with – people who have attained (or stagnated at) the same level of emotional maturity as we have." That is a quote from my new book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin (the book will be released later this week). 

What that quote implies is very important. You might have a relationship with someone who is very sophisticated in all manner of mundane ways, and who is, nevertheless, emotionally immature. You may have noticed this. You may think to yourself: how can he/she be so childish (in that emotional sense), and yet so worldly and intelligent in all those other ways?

You - or anyone else -  didn't necessarily grow up in a "balanced" way on all different levels. So you might have an advanced degree from an institution of higher learning, or you might be a whiz on Wall Street and be pulling in millions, or you might be a genius in quantum physics, or you might be an amazing ballerina or concert pianist who has fought tirelessly to reach that degree of perfection, or you might be the person who invented a late-gen chip that beats all other chips for data storage, or you might be the world's number one tennis player, or that actress who won so many awards. The point is, you may have developed on many levels to an ultra-high degree, but your emotional growth and development - in a word, your emotional maturity - may have not kept pace with the rest.

Why this happens is easily understandable, and here are just a few of the reasons:
  • We are generally raised by parents who themselves lacked emotional maturity - not because they were immature in everything, but because they, in turn, were raised by their emotionally immature parents - and what we don't see - in our parents or caretakers - as we are growing up, is that much harder to acquire. In other words, they (and we) lacked the appropriate role models in this regard.
  • As a corollary of the above point, due to their emotional immaturity, our parents frequently saddle us with emotional situations or events that cause us to internalize something subconsciously that hurts, and on that same visceral level we interpret it as danger, and that is the place where our defense mechanisms begin to raise their toxic heads (which are the reasons why psychotherapists such as myself exist).
  • Our society doesn't exactly honor the 'inner' quest; hence self-reflection is becoming a lost art.
  • Therefore awareness and being conscious of the self are not generally qualities we pick up at home or school ... not even at church.
  • Finally, due to all of the above, we also do not tend to have role models while we are growing up, that teach us how to love ourselves, and that hinders coming of age emotionally in crucial ways.
So back to the quote at the beginning of this post: In our emotional lives we tend to attract to us - and have relationships with – people who have attained (or stagnated at) the same level of emotional maturity as we have.

Due to the lack of development in the emotional part of your psyche, and due to the reasons it is like that (as I have briefly illustrated in this post), wherever you are at emotionally - let's equate it to grade 5 at school - you will (ideally) need to grow in order to progress. How do children in grade 5 tend to learn? They go to class with others at the grade 5 level. And so we attract to us and have relationships with people who have attained the same level of emotional maturity as we have. At that level there will - eventually, after the first glow has worn off - be friction. You may blame it on your partner. But once you are aware enough that you are part of this dance, and start to take responsibility for yourself and all you think, feel, say, and do, is when you start to change and grow. If you are lucky, your partner will do the same, and by growing together, your relationship has high possibilities for prospering. If your partner is not interested in growth, or prefers to remain at the status quo, you might have to look elsewhere for another individual who is - now - at this new level you have attained in your emotional maturity (we might call it grade 6). And of course it could be the other way around: that it is your partner who has taken steps to growth, and that it is you who wish to remain in your comfort zone.

Either way, change will come. Where are you at, on that continuum of coming of age emotionally?

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch


Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Thieves of Your Peace of Mind


You know that when you are worried, the last thing you have is peace of mind. Likewise, when you are angry, you have no peace of mind. Or when you are sad, peace of mind is missing as well. Add to that any negative emotion you can think of, and you will realize that absolutely all of them steal your peace of mind.

And how do negative emotions occur?

Events happen to us, we 'react' to those events by the thoughts we have about them - often unconsciously, because buttons are being pushed - sometimes blindly, simply because that is how we always react to that kind of an event and have never given thought to the possibility that we could react another way - and thus we find ourselves in the midst of those dreaded negative emotions and most likely are blaming them on someone or something.

And yet there is another way. A way that allows you to choose your reactions to events and people; a way that allows you to find that which every person hopes for, which is peace of mind.

How?

You begin by remaining aware as long as you can all day and every day, as opposed to lapsing into mindlessness. This requires attention and practice. You also begin by choosing to take on responsibility for how you feel at all times, as opposed to allowing outer events and circumstances dictate how you are going to feel. Imagine the freedom! You also choose to begin to learn how to soothe yourself in healthy ways when life threatens to be just a bit too much, and above all, you can choose to begin to learn how to love yourself.

You will find material about this topic in all my books (see below) as well as in many of the freely available articles on my website (in English and Spanish) and on my blogs.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch


Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

Monday, September 1, 2014

So You Think You're Really Something Else!


The fact of the matter is that a far larger percentage of people - despite their outer persona - think they are precisely not something else, as compared to those (far fewer people) who value, appreciate, and esteem themselves. This causes much unhappiness, pain, strife, stress, anxiety, even panic and depression.

The reasons we tend not to value ourselves as we could are numerous - here are just a few:
  • nobody showed us how to do this when we were small children and growing up, which means we had very poor role models in this regard
  • we were told it would mean we were selfish or arrogant
  • we were told it was a sin to think well of ourselves
  • we were criticized much more than we were encouraged (parents, schools, churches)
  • due to the above our automatic, reactive, and blind negative self-talk grew exponentially
While that sounds as though I am fully laying the blame for poor self-esteem on others, I'm merely pointing out the root of the matter. Blaming it on others is as lacking in understanding of what we are truly capable of, as it would be if I said that my parents did not teach me how to use cutlery the European way, and so it's their fault that Europeans think I have no table manners. In other words, I can learn how to use the correct cutlery, just as I can learn how to value, esteem, and appreciate myself.

But if you don't - assuming you've recognized that you're lacking in it by virtue of the many 'symptoms' you show such as:
  • You believe others are frequently criticizing you
  • You believe others are frequently judging you
  • You believe others think little of you
  • New situations create a good deal of anxiety in you
  • Unexpected situations where others believe you will be able to handle yourself in a mature fashion may bring you to jolting fear, anxiety, stress, and even panic, or to tears
  • You continually second-guess yourself
  • You continually worry about what others think of you, how you dress, what you say and do, and how you say and do it
  • No matter how accomplished, beautiful, funny, intelligent, or successful you are, somewhere inside of you, you simply don't believe it
So, as said above, if you don't learn how to value, esteem, and appreciate yourself, knowing that the above list causes much of your inner life to be dreadful in so many ways, then you are condemning yourself to perpetuating the agony. Changing how you view yourself and how you think about yourself, and above all, how you love yourself is not so hard, although it does require some persistence.

Here are some past posts and articles to read:
Coming to the point where you truly believe that you really are something else (in a healthy way) can begin today. Just choose to start now.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch


Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.