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"All humans seek the illusive touch of another's Soul, which opens us to the sense of belonging to something bigger than the self. Dr. Kortsch has given us the true "tao" of relationship in this brilliant exploration of emotional tapestry. We will be grateful for this illumination of spiritual partnership for generations to come." Chris Griscom, Spiritual Leader, Author

"Eloquent and comprehensive, showing how your primary love relationship may be a sacred vessel that transports you and your partner to a place of mutual healing and expansion." Robert Schwartz, Author: Your Soul's Gift: The Healing Power of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born

"The Tao of Spiritual Partnership is a unique blend of wit and wisdom; Dr. Kortsch encourages us to take responsibility for our relationships, while recognizing and seizing the opportunities for our own personal spiritual growth." William Buhlman, Author of Adventures Beyond the Body

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Compassionate Detachment


A friend recently told me about some deep troubles. This wasn't even a client. It was a friend, and yet, I remained within a mindset that some (especially Buddhists) call compassionate detachment.

Compassionate detachment might be defined as the manner in which we relate to others when we allow them to deal with their own problems and they are therefore free to choose to become responsible for their own issues, while simultaneously we express a loving concern for the nature of their current predicament, and also simultaneously we are not invested in the outcome (this definition is the compilation of numerous definitions of the expression found over the years).

The operative words here are that we remain detached enough so that we do not step in to attempt to resolve their problem, their pain, their issue for them.

It does not mean we care less for them. It does not mean they - and the outcome - are not important to us.

On the contrary, it means we care so much, that we deliberately step back - much like the anxious parent observing a baby take its first tottering steps will also step back in order to let the baby manage on its own - so that the other person will come to that point where they decide to resolve for themselves.

Clearly - just as in the case of the baby, where we are on the lookout for sharp table corners or dangerous steps, where the baby might hit his head or fall down - we are also lovingly present to help the individual with a problem or an issue.

But not to rescue.

When we get into rescue mode, we are generally working for our own agenda:

  • We may need to feel in control
  • we may need to feel strong and invincible
  • We may need to get the payback of the other person's gratitude for what we did
  • We may need to get the payback of allowing ourselves to feel good about ourselves because of what we did (because without it, we find it hard or impossible to feel good about ourselves)
So as rescuer, we are generally not working so much on the other person's issue, as on our own...

Another reason to be compassionately detached is to realize that some persons leach our very life energy out of us ... in their need to discuss their problems, and in their need to be listened to ... over and over and over again ... they become energy vampires. Your will know very quickly when you are with someone like that, because you will feel weak in some fashion after spending some time with them.

So what does that mean?
  1. You are not compassionately detached
  2. You have very poor boundaries because you are willing to listen to something so draining over and over again telling yourself that you are being a good friend, or wife or husband, or mother, etc., while in fact you are enabling the other person's sense of helplessness or of being a victim of life or circumstances.
You are a much better friend, a much better partner, parent or child, and also - a much better therapist, counselor, healer - if you remain compassionately detached, and in that fashion promote self-responsibility and autonomy of action in the other individual.

Related Posts:
Image: Sunrise over the Royal Azalea, South Korea

Also see my new website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may read quotations or download excerpts from any of my books. 

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch:
 
Rewiring the Soul

Click here to download the first chapter.
To see the Table of Contents click here

Reviews From the Back Cover:

"The masterwork of a profoundly gifted healer of the soul. Dazzling, challenging, wondrously useful." Peggy Rubin, Director, Center for Sacred Theatre, Ashland, Oregon; author: To Be and How To Be, Transforming Your Life Through Sacred Theatre

"Rewiring the Soul is one the best introductions to the spiritual life I've ever read. Not esoteric but real-world & practical. The implications are profound." Peter Shepherd; Founder Trans4mind.com; author: Daring To Be Yourself 

"The human being's directory to the soul. A breakthrough for those seeking practical assistance, those of a more mystical bent & every soul awaiting discovery." Toni Petrinovich, Ph.D.; author: The Call: Awakening the Angelic Human

The Tao of Spiritual Partnership

To download the first chapter, click here
To see the Table of Contents click here

Praise for The Tao of Spiritual Partnership

“All humans seek the illusive touch of another's Soul, which opens us to the sense of belonging to something bigger than the self. Dr. Kortsch has given us the true "tao" of relationship in this brilliant exploration of emotional tapestry. We will be grateful for this illumination of spiritual partnership for generations to come."
Chris Griscom: Spiritual Leader, Author (among others) of: Ecstasy is a New Frequency

“Eloquent and comprehensive, showing how your primary love relationship may be a sacred vessel that transports you and your partner to a place of mutual healing and expansion.” 

Robert Schwartz: Author of Your Soul’s Gift: The Healing Power of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born 


The Power of Your Heart: Loving the Self 


My new book: The Power of Your Heart: Loving the Self, is just out. Click here to download an excerpt. 

From the Introduction: It is your right to live a life of love. It is your right to understand that loving yourself first is not a selfish way of behavior, but one that allows you to live that life of love. However, it's highly probable that you never got the instruction manual explaining exactly how to accomplish this. Possibly your family - and it may have been a loving family - considered loving the self an act of selfishness. Or perhaps the members of your family simply didn't practice loving the self, and of course, what you didn't see - what was not shown to you - while you were growing up, meant that you just didn't learn how to apply it to yourself. The closer you are able to move towards loving yourself, the closer you will be to living a life of love - quite independently of whether you are in a love relationship or not. A life of love can be lived with or without a partnership, because a life of love implies that you know that it all begins with you by loving the self. The more clearly you understand how to love yourself, the more clearly you will see that it is very hard - if not impossible - to love others in ways that are unrelated to fulfilling any of your needs. Loving yourself first is - for so many of us - one of the hardest things we will ever learn how to do. But know this: the benefits affect you in every particle of your being - body, mind, and soul - and are greater than you will ever be able to imagine.


Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul so named for my first book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

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