WELCOME TO THIS BLOG


"All humans seek the illusive touch of another's Soul, which opens us to the sense of belonging to something bigger than the self. Dr. Kortsch has given us the true "tao" of relationship in this brilliant exploration of emotional tapestry. We will be grateful for this illumination of spiritual partnership for generations to come." Chris Griscom, Spiritual Leader, Author

"Eloquent and comprehensive, showing how your primary love relationship may be a sacred vessel that transports you and your partner to a place of mutual healing and expansion." Robert Schwartz, Author: Your Soul's Gift: The Healing Power of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born

"The Tao of Spiritual Partnership is a unique blend of wit and wisdom; Dr. Kortsch encourages us to take responsibility for our relationships, while recognizing and seizing the opportunities for our own personal spiritual growth." William Buhlman, Author of Adventures Beyond the Body

Friday, May 31, 2013

How Intimate is Your Relationship With Yourself?


Do you know yourself? Do you feel 'connected' to yourself? Do you have a relationship with yourself? Do you like yourself? Do you love yourself? Do you feel comfortable with yourself?

If you are in doubt about any of these questions, I would venture to suggest that your relationship with yourself is not entirely intimate in the way we consider our relationships being intimate with those we love (partners, parents, children, friends), with whom we are able to speak (hopefully) openly, with whom we feel comfortable, with whom we can relax, and with whom we feel very connected.

Some of the articles I've written about this subject are (free access to all, but you will need to sign up on the website):
Being close to yourself and having a relationship with yourself that could be classified as intimate is part of a healthy life - healthy on all levels and in particular psycho-emotionally and spiritually. It implies also being attuned to your body, listening to it when necessary and understanding that it often speaks wisdom to you, as do your heart and gut. True intimacy with others is only possible after you have learned how to enter into an intimate relationship with yourself.

Image: Bora Bora


For much more about understanding how the connection to yourself can make such a difference in your relationships and the emotions you experience in them, and how awareness of this can help you find love, and move towards spiritual partnership and inner peace, see my new book The Tao of Spiritual Partnership in paperback format. (The Kindle version is available here)

To download the first chapter, click here
To see the Table of Contents click here


From the Description on Amazon: More exciting than any other kind of relationship you have ever known, spiritual partnership is a path, a Tao, available to you so that you may transform your life. Spiritual partnership becomes background music to daily life allowing you to enhance the process of your growth and evolution.

This ground-breaking book addresses:

• relationship patterns that hold you back from a truly fulfilled life
• the strong connection between sexuality and spiritual partnership
• communication leading to true connection & lasting transformation of your relationship

It is precisely at the problematic crossroads so often encountered in relationships that we are offered the opportunity to create a new foundation based on mutual complementarity rather than need; a free relationship between two people who want to be together, rather than two people who need to be together. Needing another, we are told, is the measure of love, but for a fully conscious individual nothing could be further from the truth. And therein lies part of the secret and healing power of spiritual partnerships. 


Praise for The Tao of Spiritual Partnership 

“All humans seek the illusive touch of another's Soul, which opens us to the sense of belonging to something bigger than the self. Dr. Kortsch has given us the true "tao" of relationship in this brilliant exploration of emotional tapestry. We will be grateful for this illumination of spiritual partnership for generations to come." 
Chris Griscom: Spiritual Leader, Author (among others) of Time is an Illusion and Ecstasy is a New Frequency



REWIRING THE SOUL


For more about understanding the path towards life meaning and the inner quest, also have a look at my earlier book Rewiring the Soul: Finding the Possible Self (paperback or Kindle).

To download the first chapter, click here
To see the Table of Contents click here

From the Description on Amazon: Ask anyone, whatever their circumstances, if their life is vibrant, fulfilling, harmonious and happy. An honest reply is likely to be 'no', because to answer a truthful 'yes' is no mean feat. Only to grow psychologically and emotionally is not enough. And only to grow spiritually is not enough either. All three dimensions need to be developed in order to realize your full potential. If you are willing to assume total responsibility for the self and to start what is an on-going journey, you will quickly begin to glimpse the first fruits of the ultimate goal: inner well-being, freedom, peace, harmony and joy. This book sets out the pathway to self-mastery and self-discovery and walking that pathway will be the most exciting adventure of your life.

Reviews From the Back Cover:

A revelation of insight into the foundations of human suffering & transcendence. It not only lays out essential steps for inner freedom & joy but illuminates the way to true human potential. Dr. Kortsch is a spiritual master for our time. Paul Rademacher, Executive Director, The Monroe Institute; author: A Spiritual Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe

"The masterwork of a profoundly gifted healer of the soul. Dazzling, challenging, wondrously useful." Peggy Rubin, Director, Center for Sacred Theatre, Ashland, Oregon; author: To Be and How To Be, Transforming Your Life Through Sacred Theatre


Note: If you are wondering why this blog only appears on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul, so named for my earlier book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.


Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Fully Expressing All Emotions


If you've been keeping up with my posts, it may sound as though I am suggesting that you focus only on feeling good, on keeping your energetic vibration or frequency high, and that you ignore or forget about your other, less agreeable emotions.

In fact, nothing could be further from the truth.

Your emotions need careful looking at, careful calibration, and certainly, should not be ignored. If you are angry, this needs to be expressed. If you are sad, or grieving, again, this needs to be expressed. If you are feeling any kind of emotion, an avenue for its expression needs to be found.

But…the expression of your emotion needs to be a healthy one. It needs to underline and foment the idea that you love yourself and that however you express yourself, you continue to do so in such a way that you don't lose respect for yourself.

So if you are angry - yelling, fighting, or insulting won’t cut it. A healthy expression might be something along the lines of maintaining healthy boundaries (see my article: Do Your Relationship Boundaries Contribute to your Well-Being?), where you could choose to say to the person who has angered you: that is not acceptable to me. Or: your lack of respect (or consideration) for me is not acceptable. Or: I feel that you have not listened to me, not understood me, and I feel that you are totally ignoring my opinions about this matter. This makes me feel insulted (or hurt, or angry, or sad, etc.). And you would need to set up some consequences should this type of behavior continue.

The point being, that as you express your emotions in this way, rather than by fighting, or arguing, or playing the one-up-man-ship game, you are showing yourself respect for yourself, and thus gain a sense of empowerment. In a subliminal way you are also telling yourself that you love yourself enough to do it this way. And the more that message of healthy self-love gets through to you, the greater will be your connection to yourself and the greater will also be your inner state of harmony and well-being.

If the emotions you are feeling are grief or sadness, these must also be expressed. If someone you love is ill, or if you have lost someone you love, or if you have had a loss of another kind, you clearly can not gloss over this, and try to make yourself feel good. You must go through the process of the loss, or the pain. Nevertheless, the healthy personality will find – even in a situation of this nature – something positive to take from it, something to learn from it, something with which inner growth can take place, leading to ever greater inner freedom. Further, the healthy person will move to a state of inner balance because he loves himself and only then examine the pain. Doing it like that simply means that you are better able to care for yourself in such a state of pain or loss.

Here is where renowned thinkers or world leaders such as Viktor Frankl (Man's Search For Meaning), or Nelson Mandela (his autobiography), or Alexandr Solzhenitsyn (One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich) can help open your eyes a great deal.

One caveat: if you feel a need to express your negative emotions in such a way so that you can blame another for your feelings or for whatever it is that is happening to you, there is probably something else at work, than “just” your difficult emotions. In all likelihood there is an underlying issue…just the fact that you want to blame can clue you in on that…because no matter what the other has done, you are the one who chooses how to act and react, and you are the one who is responsible for how you feel (yes, you are!) and therein lies your choice for bondage or freedom.


For much more about understanding how a healthy expression of your emotions (all of them) - even when things are difficult - can make such a difference in your relationships and the emotions you experience in them, and how awareness of this can help you find love, and move towards spiritual partnership and inner peace, see my new book The Tao of Spiritual Partnership in paperback format. (The Kindle version is available here)

To download the first chapter, click here
To see the Table of Contents click here


From the Description on Amazon: More exciting than any other kind of relationship you have ever known, spiritual partnership is a path, a Tao, available to you so that you may transform your life. Spiritual partnership becomes background music to daily life allowing you to enhance the process of your growth and evolution.

This ground-breaking book addresses:

• relationship patterns that hold you back from a truly fulfilled life
• the strong connection between sexuality and spiritual partnership
• communication leading to true connection & lasting transformation of your relationship

It is precisely at the problematic crossroads so often encountered in relationships that we are offered the opportunity to create a new foundation based on mutual complementarity rather than need; a free relationship between two people who want to be together, rather than two people who need to be together. Needing another, we are told, is the measure of love, but for a fully conscious individual nothing could be further from the truth. And therein lies part of the secret and healing power of spiritual partnerships. 


Praise for The Tao of Spiritual Partnership 

“All humans seek the illusive touch of another's Soul, which opens us to the sense of belonging to something bigger than the self. Dr. Kortsch has given us the true "tao" of relationship in this brilliant exploration of emotional tapestry. We will be grateful for this illumination of spiritual partnership for generations to come." 
Chris Griscom: Spiritual Leader, Author (among others) of Time is an Illusion and Ecstasy is a New Frequency



REWIRING THE SOUL


For more about understanding the path towards life meaning and the inner quest, also have a look at my earlier book Rewiring the Soul: Finding the Possible Self (paperback or Kindle).

To download the first chapter, click here
To see the Table of Contents click here

From the Description on Amazon: Ask anyone, whatever their circumstances, if their life is vibrant, fulfilling, harmonious and happy. An honest reply is likely to be 'no', because to answer a truthful 'yes' is no mean feat. Only to grow psychologically and emotionally is not enough. And only to grow spiritually is not enough either. All three dimensions need to be developed in order to realize your full potential. If you are willing to assume total responsibility for the self and to start what is an on-going journey, you will quickly begin to glimpse the first fruits of the ultimate goal: inner well-being, freedom, peace, harmony and joy. This book sets out the pathway to self-mastery and self-discovery and walking that pathway will be the most exciting adventure of your life.

Reviews From the Back Cover:

A revelation of insight into the foundations of human suffering & transcendence. It not only lays out essential steps for inner freedom & joy but illuminates the way to true human potential. Dr. Kortsch is a spiritual master for our time. Paul Rademacher, Executive Director, The Monroe Institute; author: A Spiritual Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe

"The masterwork of a profoundly gifted healer of the soul. Dazzling, challenging, wondrously useful." Peggy Rubin, Director, Center for Sacred Theatre, Ashland, Oregon; author: To Be and How To Be, Transforming Your Life Through Sacred Theatre


Note: If you are wondering why this blog only appears on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul, so named for my earlier book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.


Monday, May 27, 2013

Receiving Joy From Others ... Or Not


Can you imagine what would happen if stores ran out of toothpaste? Or soap? Or toilet paper? It might not be much fun, but we'd make do with substitutes: perhaps bicarbonate of soda for brushing our teeth, perhaps we'd pull out some of those recipes from our grandmothers and begin to make out own soap, or perhaps we'd start saving newspapers and magazines to cut into conveniently-sized pieces and use those instead of toilet paper. In other words, we'd become independent of the commercial product or the stores, and we'd make or substitute our own. To a degree you might say that we would be in charge of our supply of these products, which if we carry the analogy a bit further, might signify greater freedom.

Now let's move on to joy. As long as we are dependent on others (and 'things') for the joy in our lives, we run the risk of joy disappearing from our lives. As long as my partner loves me in the way I want and expect him/her to, joy will be a part of my life. As long as I am able to buy given products (a certain kind of car, clothing, house, vacations, digital devices, etc.), joy (or so I believe) forms part of my life. But if the partner falls out of love with me, or if my friends desert me, or my family disapproves of me, or I no longer have the money to buy what I might like to have, joy will be a much harder commodity to come by.

And that is precisely where I wanted to take you today. Do you think it's right that joy comes to you from the outside, through external mechanisms? Do you think that makes sense? Do you think that is intelligent? Even though that is the way our world, our society, and our culture work, and how they immure us to another way of thinking, you must (I hope) be aware of the fact that true joy emanates from within. In other words: you are the one who supplies yourself with the truest variant of joy - once you decide to seek a connection with your self, and once you understand that such a connection is the wellspring of joy.

I'm not denying that love from others, external accomplishments, and material things give us joy. What I'm stating is that as long as we depend mainly on that for our joy, we are doomed to fail because what is external to ourselves can not be relied upon. People may change, accomplishments may wither away and die, and money may suddenly be in short supply, but once you have established a connection with the self, you need never lose it, and hence you need never lose the source for joy. If you decide to be in charge of the joy in your life, you will have joy whether you receive it from others or not.



For much more about understanding how the connection to yourself can make such a difference in your relationships and the emotions you experience in them, and how awareness of this can help you find love, and move towards spiritual partnership and inner peace, see my new book The Tao of Spiritual Partnership in paperback format. (The Kindle version is available here)

To download the first chapter, click here
To see the Table of Contents click here


From the Description on Amazon: More exciting than any other kind of relationship you have ever known, spiritual partnership is a path, a Tao, available to you so that you may transform your life. Spiritual partnership becomes background music to daily life allowing you to enhance the process of your growth and evolution.

This ground-breaking book addresses:

• relationship patterns that hold you back from a truly fulfilled life
• the strong connection between sexuality and spiritual partnership
• communication leading to true connection & lasting transformation of your relationship

It is precisely at the problematic crossroads so often encountered in relationships that we are offered the opportunity to create a new foundation based on mutual complementarity rather than need; a free relationship between two people who want to be together, rather than two people who need to be together. Needing another, we are told, is the measure of love, but for a fully conscious individual nothing could be further from the truth. And therein lies part of the secret and healing power of spiritual partnerships. 


Praise for The Tao of Spiritual Partnership 

“All humans seek the illusive touch of another's Soul, which opens us to the sense of belonging to something bigger than the self. Dr. Kortsch has given us the true "tao" of relationship in this brilliant exploration of emotional tapestry. We will be grateful for this illumination of spiritual partnership for generations to come." 
Chris Griscom: Spiritual Leader, Author (among others) of Time is an Illusion and Ecstasy is a New Frequency



REWIRING THE SOUL


For more about understanding the path towards life meaning and the inner quest, also have a look at my earlier book Rewiring the Soul: Finding the Possible Self (paperback or Kindle).

To download the first chapter, click here
To see the Table of Contents click here

From the Description on Amazon: Ask anyone, whatever their circumstances, if their life is vibrant, fulfilling, harmonious and happy. An honest reply is likely to be 'no', because to answer a truthful 'yes' is no mean feat. Only to grow psychologically and emotionally is not enough. And only to grow spiritually is not enough either. All three dimensions need to be developed in order to realize your full potential. If you are willing to assume total responsibility for the self and to start what is an on-going journey, you will quickly begin to glimpse the first fruits of the ultimate goal: inner well-being, freedom, peace, harmony and joy. This book sets out the pathway to self-mastery and self-discovery and walking that pathway will be the most exciting adventure of your life.

Reviews From the Back Cover:

A revelation of insight into the foundations of human suffering & transcendence. It not only lays out essential steps for inner freedom & joy but illuminates the way to true human potential. Dr. Kortsch is a spiritual master for our time. Paul Rademacher, Executive Director, The Monroe Institute; author: A Spiritual Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe

"The masterwork of a profoundly gifted healer of the soul. Dazzling, challenging, wondrously useful." Peggy Rubin, Director, Center for Sacred Theatre, Ashland, Oregon; author: To Be and How To Be, Transforming Your Life Through Sacred Theatre


Note: If you are wondering why this blog only appears on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul, so named for my earlier book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.


Thursday, May 23, 2013

Including Compassion in Everyday Details


In a recent blog I asked Do You Intend to Love? and shortly before that I suggested Offering Love Even When You Hurt and before that I wrote about Living Love and on my website (on the Articles page) I posted an article from my monthly newsletters called Feeling Compassion Only For the Hungry or Also for the Person Who Hurt You?. Compassion is closely linked to those subjects, and compassion is also closely linked to loving the self. In fact, the more compassion you consciously allow yourself to feel - especially in those instances where others are behaving in ways that you aren't crazy about, the more you will find yourself feeling love for yourself. In some ways, what you live, what you breathe, becomes who you are.

Here are some examples where compassion may be called for, although you might prefer to only feel compassion for the hungry, homeless, and sick:
  • the cashier who is taking too long to ring up your groceries (maybe she's been on her feet for 8 hours and is tired; maybe the customer before you spoke to her in a nasty, impatient and arrogant tone of voice)
  • the friend that has just let you down - again (maybe you need to be compassionate with yourself and check your boundaries, but maybe your friend who let you down for this social occasion in actual fact needs to stay at home and speak to someone with a loving ear; maybe your friend has been going through a difficult time and you haven't noticed, or had time for him/her)
  • the driver in front of you who is driving just a bit too slowly (perhaps the person is elderly - after all, you can't tell that from behind, bearing in mind the headrest is obscuring your view of their head; maybe this person has just finished a convalescence after a long illness, and this is their first day back on the road; maybe this person just got their driver's license and is not yet 100% confident on the road)
  • your partner who just phoned to say that he/she won't be able to have dinner with you tonight because there is simply too much work on the desk (you may need to recall that this partner truly wants to be with you, but has a strong sense of responsibility, and will therefore forego being with you in order to fill obligations; this may be providing both of you with a comfortable lifestyle; this may be what needs to be done in order for your partner to get that promotion, that partnership, that position as an associate at the firm)
The everyday details that call for compassion happen all the time - probably not a day goes by without some examples of this nature occurring, and that is precisely where and when you can practice being compassionate.

It was the Dalai Lama who said Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive and it was Gandhi who said It is easy enough to be friendly to one's friends. But to befriend the one who regards himself as your enemy is the quintessence of true religion. The other is mere business and it was Mother Teresa who said If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.

We are all one. There is no you and me, them and us. Look to quantum physics. Your energy affects the energy of all and the energy of all affects you. Including compassion in your everyday affairs, as small and seemingly unimportant as they may be, will help bring greater consciousness of our inter-connectedness about. Love yourself enough to do this.



For much more about understanding how love, compassion, and appreciation - even when things are difficult - can make such a difference in your relationships and the emotions you experience in them, and how awareness of this can help you find love, and move towards spiritual partnership and inner peace, see my new book The Tao of Spiritual Partnership in paperback format. (The Kindle version is available here)

To download the first chapter, click here
To see the Table of Contents click here


From the Description on Amazon: More exciting than any other kind of relationship you have ever known, spiritual partnership is a path, a Tao, available to you so that you may transform your life. Spiritual partnership becomes background music to daily life allowing you to enhance the process of your growth and evolution.

This ground-breaking book addresses:

• relationship patterns that hold you back from a truly fulfilled life
• the strong connection between sexuality and spiritual partnership
• communication leading to true connection & lasting transformation of your relationship

It is precisely at the problematic crossroads so often encountered in relationships that we are offered the opportunity to create a new foundation based on mutual complementarity rather than need; a free relationship between two people who want to be together, rather than two people who need to be together. Needing another, we are told, is the measure of love, but for a fully conscious individual nothing could be further from the truth. And therein lies part of the secret and healing power of spiritual partnerships. 


Praise for The Tao of Spiritual Partnership 

“All humans seek the illusive touch of another's Soul, which opens us to the sense of belonging to something bigger than the self. Dr. Kortsch has given us the true "tao" of relationship in this brilliant exploration of emotional tapestry. We will be grateful for this illumination of spiritual partnership for generations to come." 
Chris Griscom: Spiritual Leader, Author (among others) of Time is an Illusion and Ecstasy is a New Frequency



REWIRING THE SOUL


For more about understanding the path towards life meaning and the inner quest, also have a look at my earlier book Rewiring the Soul: Finding the Possible Self (paperback or Kindle).

To download the first chapter, click here
To see the Table of Contents click here

From the Description on Amazon: Ask anyone, whatever their circumstances, if their life is vibrant, fulfilling, harmonious and happy. An honest reply is likely to be 'no', because to answer a truthful 'yes' is no mean feat. Only to grow psychologically and emotionally is not enough. And only to grow spiritually is not enough either. All three dimensions need to be developed in order to realize your full potential. If you are willing to assume total responsibility for the self and to start what is an on-going journey, you will quickly begin to glimpse the first fruits of the ultimate goal: inner well-being, freedom, peace, harmony and joy. This book sets out the pathway to self-mastery and self-discovery and walking that pathway will be the most exciting adventure of your life.

Reviews From the Back Cover:

A revelation of insight into the foundations of human suffering & transcendence. It not only lays out essential steps for inner freedom & joy but illuminates the way to true human potential. Dr. Kortsch is a spiritual master for our time. Paul Rademacher, Executive Director, The Monroe Institute; author: A Spiritual Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe

"The masterwork of a profoundly gifted healer of the soul. Dazzling, challenging, wondrously useful." Peggy Rubin, Director, Center for Sacred Theatre, Ashland, Oregon; author: To Be and How To Be, Transforming Your Life Through Sacred Theatre


Note: If you are wondering why this blog only appears on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul, so named for my earlier book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.


Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Are You Tired of Your Life?


If you are tired of your life; if you would like to just walk away from it (not by doing away with yourself, but by switching to another kind of life); if your life seems faded and lacking in interest; if the main way you have of getting any adrenaline going is by going out to buy something new, or by partying, or getting another deal that fattens the balance in your bank account, or by having a few more drinks, or a few more snorts, or by getting a divorce and finding a new, more exciting partner, so that your life feels more exciting (for a time), or by moving to a new city or new country, or by having another child (or adopting one), or giving your name (but not your soul) to yet another charitable organization; if you find no real meaning in your life; in fact: if it seems to you that you really never - at any time - felt as though there was a real meaning to your life, then pay attention closely.

All of the above is giving you a big message. In a way it's a though you had a loving older sibling looking over your shoulder and tapping you on the arm saying: don't you want more than this? The message you are getting by the way you feel (and the word feel is germane to the whole significance of this article), is hugely important.

But we tend not to pay too much attention. Especially if our lives are more or less running smoothly. So we tell ourselves that the way we are feeling is nonsense. Perhaps you have a great job and a good marriage. So how could it be that you feel so tired of your life? It could be that the job, good as it is, means nothing to your intrinsic self, and you feel no real connection with your partner. So although things are good, i.e. you have a great salary, are due for a promotion, great health benefits and pension fund, every morning when you get up and go to that job, you have to force yourself to go there and not drive elsewhere instead. (Where elsewhere? We'll get to that in a bit). Or your partner is loving, and caring, and you have a couple of great kids together, you don't quarrel, and there is no obvious reason for you to feel as though the relationship isn't alive, but it isn't. You two just are not connecting.

So, as I said, we tend not to pay too much attention to the way we feel under such circumstances. But this way we feel comes directly from somewhere inside of us, as said, as though it were a loving older sibling. But it's not. It is our intuition.

In another article about the subject (
Intuition is Your Connection To The Divine), I wrote: "This voice inside of you ... that so often you pretend not to hear. This knowing inside of you ... that so often you ignore. This knocking at your inner door ... that so often you turn away from. This thing that pursues you over and over again, talking to you, making you think about whatever it is that you continue to turn a deaf ear to, this thing is your intuition and your connection to the divine." [...]

"But why is intuition our connection to the divine? What is the divine? Is it not the eternal part of each of us? Is it not the part of us that connects us not only to all others, but also to all creation? And if that is so, then isn't it logical (if I may use such a word in such a context) that somewhere inside of each of us there must be a connection to this divine part?"

So going back to the initial question of this article: are you tired of your life? - I posit that you might recognize that there is a strong connection between the feelings you are having that keep insisting that your life is not as it should be, and the desires of your soul. The desires, that if they were fulfilled, or we could say, that if you were on the way to fulfilling them (even just at the very, very, very beginning of that way), would give you much satisfaction; would give much meaning to your life, and would mean, that you would no longer be tired of your life. Quite the contrary ... you would be filled with adrenaline, excited, stimulated, and all those good things that currently you only achieve via superficialities, and whose effect never lasts long enough. Read more about finding meaning in your life in
Finding a Meaning for Your Life.

And in another article about the subject (Intuition and Healing and Dreams) I wrote this: "Our intuition, our bodies, the state of our health is often the path to greater understanding, healing and growth. Since neuroscientists have discovered that we have more than one brain, the second one being in our intestine and the third one in our heart (both of these areas contain a vast number of neural cells that feed the brain with information, which the brain then processes in order to make decisions), we can say that our “gut” feelings, or our “heart” feelings told us to behave in a specific fashion. See also Introducing Our Second and Third Brains: We Do Think With Our Heart and Instinct about this subject."

There is a beautiful quote by Jalal ad-Din Rumi that goes like this:
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.

Isn't it true that when your soul is allowed to be your guide, you feel joy within? You almost don't even have to know what it is that your soul is guiding you towards, if you allow yourself to be steered by the joy you feel inside when you are moving in that direction.

Somehow you know, if you ever listen to any of this type of dialogue with yourself (and I know that many people are not used to doing this, despite the fact that it is in actual fact very simple), when you are not on the right track, because you feel a twisting inside, a lack of joy, you feel that something is not right.

We're not talking here about ethics or morals or doing charity work or anything at all in particular ... because the music of your soul - as Rumi refers to it - may let its melodies be felt in any kind of activity or thought or reaction or behaviour. What is important is that there are certain activities or modes of behaviour that make you realize that the river no longer moves within you, the joy no longer flows, just as there are other activities or behaviours that create precisely the opposite feeling.

What if there is no joy within, what if you feel as though there is no connection to the moving of that inner river?

If you are aware of it, you have already come a long way ... more than many. Even if all you are aware of is the lack of joy. So then you could start listening to your inner voice, your intuition, a small step at a time, exploring, searching, to find out what gives you joy. Perhaps you could try doing the opposite of some of the things that you do but that don't allow you to feel the river within.

When you do things from your soul, when you have that connection (see also
Tending Your Inner Garden for more information about such a connection, especially if you feel that your soul connection is not intact, or you are not familiar with the context), when you pay attention to the joy inside, you are on the road to the place you meant to go to when you came here.

When you do things from your soul, your life has meaning, you feel a connection in your relationships, and you feel a river moving in you, a joy.

For much more about how to live more consciously in your life and in your relationships, and how awareness about this can help you move towards spiritual partnership and inner peace, see my new book The Tao of Spiritual Partnership is now available in print and Kindle formats.

To download the first chapter, click here
To see the Table of Contents click here

From the Description on Amazon: More exciting than any other kind of relationship you have ever known, spiritual partnership is a path, a Tao, available to you so that you may transform your life. Spiritual partnership becomes background music to daily life allowing you to enhance the process of your growth and evolution.

This ground-breaking book addresses:

• relationship patterns that hold you back from a truly fulfilled life
• the strong connection between sexuality and spiritual partnership
• communication leading to true connection & lasting transformation of your relationship

It is precisely at the problematic crossroads so often encountered in relationships that we are offered the opportunity to create a new foundation based on mutual complementarity rather than need; a free relationship between two people who want to be together, rather than two people who need to be together. Needing another, we are told, is the measure of love, but for a fully conscious individual nothing could be further from the truth. And therein lies part of the secret and healing power of spiritual partnerships. 


Praise for The Tao of Spiritual Partnership 

“All humans seek the illusive touch of another's Soul, which opens us to the sense of belonging to something bigger than the self. Dr. Kortsch has given us the true "tao" of relationship in this brilliant exploration of emotional tapestry. We will be grateful for this illumination of spiritual partnership for generations to come." 
Chris Griscom: Spiritual Leader, Author 

“Eloquently and comprehensive, showing how your primary love relationship may be a sacred vessel that transports you and your partner to a place of mutual healing and expansion.” 
Robert Schwartz: Author of Your Soul’s Gift: The Healing Power of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born 

"The Tao of Spiritual Partnership is a unique blend of wit and wisdom; Dr. Kortsch encourages us to take responsibility for our relationships, while recognizing and seizing the opportunities for our own personal spiritual growth." 
William Buhlman, Author of Adventures Beyond the Body 



For more about focusing on making conscious choices that will enhance your life and promote greater inner peace and freedom, have a look at my book Rewiring the Soul: Finding the Possible Self (paperback or Kindle).

To download the first chapter, click here
To see the Table of Contents click here

From the Description on Amazon:

Ask anyone, whatever their circumstances, if their life is vibrant, fulfilling, harmonious and happy. An honest reply is likely to be 'no', because to answer a truthful 'yes' is no mean feat. Only to grow psychologically and emotionally is not enough. And only to grow spiritually is not enough either. All three dimensions need to be developed in order to realize your full potential. If you are willing to assume total responsibility for the self and to start what is an on-going journey, you will quickly begin to glimpse the first fruits of the ultimate goal: inner well-being, freedom, peace, harmony and joy. This book sets out the pathway to self-mastery and self-discovery and walking that pathway will be the most exciting adventure of your life.



Friday, May 17, 2013

Do You Intend to Love?


Intending to love sounds easy but is far harder than most of us imagine ... mainly because we don't really think about it. Consider this: as you go about your daily life, are you intending to love? Now perhaps, you're beginning to get my drift, because your daily life is not necessarily connected with those that you love - perhaps those specific individuals are at school, at work, or living in another city or even country. And yet I ask again: as you go about your daily life, are you intending to love?

Before I go on, let me state unequivocally that I ask myself the same question. I am no where near the place where I could answer with a firm and resounding yes, because this is a path I am on and a goal I strive for, but I'm not there yet by any means.

Intending to love literally means having the intention to be loving with all those you come into contact with on a daily basis. And it's actually not about whether they deserve it, but whether you intend it. It's also not about turning the other cheek in the literal sense of the word - a rude bank teller could still be met with the intention of love in the way you express that his behavior is unacceptable.

This is a terribly difficult exercise, and yet, love is our highest frequency. It's our highest form of energy. How can we do other than strive for it in all we do if we wish to move along a path of enlightenment or simply call it a path of living an awakened life? This, like so much else, requires continual attention. And then intention. And then the actual practice of it in all those small daily moments that make us want to grit out teeth, and yet precisely there we have the challenge. What is more important? Showing you are right and allowing your ego to momentarily feel good, or practicing the intention of love and allowing your soul to expand its repertoire?


For much more about understanding how love, compassion, and appreciation - even when things are difficult - can make such a difference in your relationships and the emotions you experience in them, and how awareness of this can help you find love, and move towards spiritual partnership and inner peace, see my new book The Tao of Spiritual Partnership in paperback format. (The Kindle version is available here)

To download the first chapter, click here
To see the Table of Contents click here


From the Description on Amazon: More exciting than any other kind of relationship you have ever known, spiritual partnership is a path, a Tao, available to you so that you may transform your life. Spiritual partnership becomes background music to daily life allowing you to enhance the process of your growth and evolution.

This ground-breaking book addresses:

• relationship patterns that hold you back from a truly fulfilled life
• the strong connection between sexuality and spiritual partnership
• communication leading to true connection & lasting transformation of your relationship

It is precisely at the problematic crossroads so often encountered in relationships that we are offered the opportunity to create a new foundation based on mutual complementarity rather than need; a free relationship between two people who want to be together, rather than two people who need to be together. Needing another, we are told, is the measure of love, but for a fully conscious individual nothing could be further from the truth. And therein lies part of the secret and healing power of spiritual partnerships. 


Praise for The Tao of Spiritual Partnership 

“All humans seek the illusive touch of another's Soul, which opens us to the sense of belonging to something bigger than the self. Dr. Kortsch has given us the true "tao" of relationship in this brilliant exploration of emotional tapestry. We will be grateful for this illumination of spiritual partnership for generations to come." 
Chris Griscom: Spiritual Leader, Author (among others) of Time is an Illusion and Ecstasy is a New Frequency



REWIRING THE SOUL


For more about understanding the path towards life meaning and the inner quest, also have a look at my earlier book Rewiring the Soul: Finding the Possible Self (paperback or Kindle).

To download the first chapter, click here
To see the Table of Contents click here

From the Description on Amazon: Ask anyone, whatever their circumstances, if their life is vibrant, fulfilling, harmonious and happy. An honest reply is likely to be 'no', because to answer a truthful 'yes' is no mean feat. Only to grow psychologically and emotionally is not enough. And only to grow spiritually is not enough either. All three dimensions need to be developed in order to realize your full potential. If you are willing to assume total responsibility for the self and to start what is an on-going journey, you will quickly begin to glimpse the first fruits of the ultimate goal: inner well-being, freedom, peace, harmony and joy. This book sets out the pathway to self-mastery and self-discovery and walking that pathway will be the most exciting adventure of your life.

Reviews From the Back Cover:

A revelation of insight into the foundations of human suffering & transcendence. It not only lays out essential steps for inner freedom & joy but illuminates the way to true human potential. Dr. Kortsch is a spiritual master for our time. Paul Rademacher, Executive Director, The Monroe Institute; author: A Spiritual Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe

"The masterwork of a profoundly gifted healer of the soul. Dazzling, challenging, wondrously useful." Peggy Rubin, Director, Center for Sacred Theatre, Ashland, Oregon; author: To Be and How To Be, Transforming Your Life Through Sacred Theatre


Note: If you are wondering why this blog only appears on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is Rewiring the Soul, so named for my earlier book. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.


Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Emotional Unavailability: An Introduction



Emotional unavailability can be devastating to everyone touched by it. People often mistakenly understand it as a ploy on the part of the emotionally unavailable person to use others, or to get without giving, and while it is true that some of that may happen at times, it is also true that it consistently undermines the existence of the one who suffers from it, and consequently wraps its painful tentacles around those who are in the life of that person.

Iit’s a subject fraught with pain and difficulty, potentially more so for the person on the receiving end of an emotionally unavailable partner or parent or friend, but also on the side of the individual who “plays” out the role of the emotionally unavailable person, as they too, can suffer tremendously from it.

Defining the Emotionally Unavailable Person

How can we define the emotionally unavailable person? These are individuals who are

·         cut off from their own emotions and emotional processes
·         cut off from others’ emotions and their emotional processes
·         very disconnected from the emotional content of their lives

Let’s take a closer look at all of these points.

Cut Off From Their Own Emotional Process

Imagine that a friend or a partner abandons you, either out of the blue, or after an argument, and has now disappeared from your life. Imagine that you feel that you did not deserve such treatment. Clearly, you would experience feelings of hurt, disappointment, pain, sorrow, and so on. You might also feel angry and indignant.

The emotionally unavailable person, however, would not only not acknowledge most of these feelings, but would probably say that the whole thing is not really that important, or that it was just as well that it happened. In other words, they would have little recognition of these feelings swirling around inside of them. They might complain of gastric upset, or a headache, or back pain, or knee discomfort, or unexplained difficulties in walking, or any other manifestation that shows that the process went into their body due to it not being acknowledged on the emotional level.

On the other hand, if this person has begun a relationship with someone, and they notice that they are thinking about the other person a lot, and that they enjoy spending time with the other person, and that somehow the sun shines more brightly when they are around the other person, they would not interpret this as the beginning of love, the way many other individuals might, but would perhaps say, after a brief time of enjoying the “warm sunshine” of the other’s presence: you’re crowding me, or I need more space, or we need to cool it for a while, or I don’t know how you do it, but you’re really maneuvering yourself into my life, or this is going too quickly for me, or simply I really don’t want a relationship, or I always said I didn’t want a commitment (although they may often marry or cohabit, but although they may share bed and house, they rarely share themselves.

Clearly, the emotionally unavailable person is saying this because they are beginning to feel discomfort in the presence of the other person because they are unable to handle the surge of their own emotions in connection to the other person. This is not conscious, nor is this done or said from a position of nastiness or miserliness, much that it may often appear to be that. This is, in actual fact, a defense mechanism, learned, in all likelihood, in childhood, to safeguard the child against hurt from people he/she had loved and who somehow drastically let him down. Sometimes this letting down happens only in the perception of the child.

Early childhood attachment studies (Ainsworth & Bell, 1970) indicate that abandonment by the parents, and particularly by the mother, creates much greater problems with later emotional availability than even physical abuse. Abandonment, logically, does not only mean a totally absent parent, but also a parent who disappears for a period of time in the early life of the infant (especially during the first 12-18 months of life), such as those children whose parents must leave them in hospital, or some kind of institution and are not able to visit frequently. Nevertheless, the experience, whether it truly happened, or was only perceived, or happened for totally innocent reasons (the child’s life had to be saved by hospitalizing it) carries enormous weight in the adult and with his or her relationships with persons of the opposite sex (or the same gender in the case of gay relationships). 

Cut Off From Others’ Emotional Processes

It follows that the emotionally unavailable person has not a clue about the state of another person’s emotions, even when faced with that person’s tears or recriminations, or pain, which may be totally evident to others, but not necessarily to the emotionally unavailable person. In the face of these emotions in the other person, the emotionally unavailable person often feels put upon, burdened with an onerous duty, that he or she mainly wants to escape from, because it feels far too heavy, and heavy often feels dangerous. That makes for a very difficult relationship, to say the least.

Disconnected From the Emotional Content of Their Lives

Despite the disconnection from the emotional content of their lives, emotionally unavailable persons might be connected to bits of it with those people they do not feel threatened by. For example: they may be very loving and tender to the children – especially the very young children - of other people, or very caring and tender to other people’s partners (in the right way, not in the wrong way, i.e. as good and supportive friends). Or they may have a deeply caring relationship with a pet, or be very much into caring for plants, gardening, and so on.

But the connection to their own emotional content is generally non-existent.

I repeat, emotional unavailability tends not to be conscious. The emotionally unavailable person spends an enormous amount of psychological energy maintaining the “wolves at bay”. In order not to have to deal with their own emotions, their defense mechanisms have become automatic, and spring up, the way a bridge over a castle moat springs up to prevent intruders from approaching too closely. It is only when this process becomes conscious, that the emotionally unavailable person is in a position to do something about it, and this person may fight hand and foot in order to not become aware. They may insist that they don’t want to leave their comfort zone, or that they never wanted a commitment, and shrug their shoulders and leave it at that, never having come any closer to a conscious realization of their inner scarring and crippled spirit (see also Scars). 
Sexuality

Often – but not always - the emotionally unavailable person is also unavailable sexually, or, if they have made some outward commitment, such as sharing a home, or having a child with the partner, they may withdraw emotionally and sexually, finding it far too emotionally taxing to be engaged on more than one level…in this case, simply living together is enough. Becoming distant from one’s partner or not being sexually responsive are also ways of cutting off genuine relating. This is a long topic, and I will write a separate article about it at a future date.

What if you’re the Partner of the Emotionally Unavailable Person?

What does emotional unavailability tell you about you if you are with an emotionally unavailable partner? And how can you deal with it?

There have probably been issues with the parents and unmet or disappointed emotions on your part, leaving you feeling bereft and alone, like an abandoned child. You may have learned a dysfunctional model of love, where love was never freely given. This in turn may have created a deep well of neediness, neediness, neediness, and more neediness, which in turn caused you to have a lack of boundaries…please step all over me, just as long as you love me. This is implicit in a lack of self-respect, self-worth, self-love, etc., and there tends to be a desire to fuse or merge with a new partner almost immediately. Frequently there is a loss of identity, and of course one tends to be addicted to the partner which implies withdrawal symptoms of the worst kind if and when the partner leaves.

This process is also unconscious. What the person with this aspect of dysfunctionality is aware of, is the pain. But he or she interprets the pain as the fault of the partner, the emotionally unavailable partner, because he/she is not behaving the way this person would like him to behave. Consequently, blame is placed firmly on the shoulders of the emotionally unavailable person by the partner who is not getting what he wants, and hence this partner does not become aware of his own need to clear up the issue of neediness and lack of boundaries and lack of real meaning in the life.

Whether the emotionally unavailable person is behaving “properly” or not from an emotional point of view, is actually not the point, because it is not a question of “fixing” the emotionally unavailable partner. Yes, it is true that those issues need to be worked on, but it is also the partner who feels rejected or feels that the other is cold and unemotional, who needs to take a good look at the reasons he or she is attracted over and over again into situations of this nature (also see the Neediness article mentioned above). It may mean, that as you work on yourself in order to resolve these issues, you may need to get out of the relationship, and get out fast! Again, this is a long topic, and I will write a separate article about it at a future date.

What Can the Emotionally Unavailable Person Do?

This depends in great measure on the person’s desire to change. Sometimes clients come in saying that they want to be able to offer more to their partner; that they are aware of the fact that they give so little in the emotional arena, that they are somehow stunted, even crippled (see Scars) and that they want to be done with that. This is really the first step: becoming aware. As you become aware, you begin to look at the fear and the pain – both your own and that of your partner. All of this requires a great deal of self-honesty and that is never easy, especially if you are used to hiding behind your defenses that you have perfected and honed over the years.

At this point it helps if you decide to make use of that ability that we all have but don’t always invoke: our right to choose at every moment of every day, and in every situation of any kind. So we can choose our reactions, our actions, our thoughts, and our words and gestures, but we must remember to remain aware for this to have a hope of happening. We can also choose to change what we feel. I know that sounds almost impossible, but it’s not. However, it is a topic (once again) for another article (see also Making Choices: Taking Responsibility For Our Lives). Choosing to choose to behave differently is one of the most powerful tools for change in the life of the emotionally unavailable person.

Then do what you would do for any new skill you wish to perfect: practice, practice, practice (it may not make perfect immediately, but it will make you change very quickly, at least some of the time). Observe your body at all times…use the mind-body communication service! (see also The Energy Barometer, Make Your Mind Body Connection Work For You). Finally, don’t expect to climb Mount Everest in a day: be good to yourself taking the first small steps, forgive yourself for mistakes you are bound to make, and remember, the child who is learning how to walk may appear to fall frequently, and just not put it all together into a cohesive whole – until one day, he not only no longer falls, but is walking perfectly, as though it had formed part of his repertoire all of his life. The same goes for you. Want it, believe it, and do it.





For much more about how to live more consciously in your life and in your relationships, and how awareness about this can help you move towards spiritual partnership and inner peace, see my new book The Tao of Spiritual Partnership is now available in print and Kindle formats.

To download the first chapter, click here
To see the Table of Contents click here

From the Description on Amazon: More exciting than any other kind of relationship you have ever known, spiritual partnership is a path, a Tao, available to you so that you may transform your life. Spiritual partnership becomes background music to daily life allowing you to enhance the process of your growth and evolution.

This ground-breaking book addresses:

• relationship patterns that hold you back from a truly fulfilled life
• the strong connection between sexuality and spiritual partnership
• communication leading to true connection & lasting transformation of your relationship

It is precisely at the problematic crossroads so often encountered in relationships that we are offered the opportunity to create a new foundation based on mutual complementarity rather than need; a free relationship between two people who want to be together, rather than two people who need to be together. Needing another, we are told, is the measure of love, but for a fully conscious individual nothing could be further from the truth. And therein lies part of the secret and healing power of spiritual partnerships. 


Praise for The Tao of Spiritual Partnership 

“All humans seek the illusive touch of another's Soul, which opens us to the sense of belonging to something bigger than the self. Dr. Kortsch has given us the true "tao" of relationship in this brilliant exploration of emotional tapestry. We will be grateful for this illumination of spiritual partnership for generations to come." 
Chris Griscom: Spiritual Leader, Author 

“Eloquently and comprehensive, showing how your primary love relationship may be a sacred vessel that transports you and your partner to a place of mutual healing and expansion.” 
Robert Schwartz: Author of Your Soul’s Gift: The Healing Power of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born 

"The Tao of Spiritual Partnership is a unique blend of wit and wisdom; Dr. Kortsch encourages us to take responsibility for our relationships, while recognizing and seizing the opportunities for our own personal spiritual growth." 
William Buhlman, Author of Adventures Beyond the Body 



For more about focusing on making conscious choices that will enhance your life and promote greater inner peace and freedom, have a look at my book Rewiring the Soul: Finding the Possible Self (paperback or Kindle).

To download the first chapter, click here
To see the Table of Contents click here

From the Description on Amazon:

Ask anyone, whatever their circumstances, if their life is vibrant, fulfilling, harmonious and happy. An honest reply is likely to be 'no', because to answer a truthful 'yes' is no mean feat. Only to grow psychologically and emotionally is not enough. And only to grow spiritually is not enough either. All three dimensions need to be developed in order to realize your full potential. If you are willing to assume total responsibility for the self and to start what is an on-going journey, you will quickly begin to glimpse the first fruits of the ultimate goal: inner well-being, freedom, peace, harmony and joy. This book sets out the pathway to self-mastery and self-discovery and walking that pathway will be the most exciting adventure of your life.